What Ever Happened To […] #1019

 

[Welcome to Bad Joke Friday, and to antiquity. Today’s joke, or rather subject matter, has to do with something we all were born with–some of us a loooong long time ago. Our ancestors were born with it (them) too. It’s hard to say just who was in power when that scene all changed, but it probably had something to do with the discovery of cowhide. Dinosaurhide? Woolly Mammoth leather? Let’s just take it back to sometime before our country was begun, and call it at that.]

The King George III Administraction Presents…

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO [barefoot] ?

Pretty tough to appreciate this concept in our present day and age, huh? When all about us athletic footwear outlets, websites, and stores are actually SELLING “barefoot” shoes! WHAT???

You mean, ya just can’t kick off the “kicks” these days and frolic on the grass in the altogether of your very lowest appendages? Naked tootsies? WTF?? (What’s The Footwear) I’ve always thought that, as runners, aren’t we all something of foot fetishists anyway?

So now, by some quirk of logic, illogic, or Madison Avenue hype, ya gotta BUY something in order to revert to the emptiness of what nature intended… long before there ever was anything possible to buy or sell? NOW ya gotta buy coverings in order to stay naked??

Holey mackerel!

What ever happened to naked?

Yes, we can understand the idea of a “cover charge,” for example, in order to be ushered in to where some bodies are dancing naked (the cover charge is basically to prevent the house being filled to capacity, entertaining all sorts of drooling pervy dudes, and never making a dime) but…

…this is ridiculous. If we ALL want to run barefoot, hey? Can’t we all just remove whatever is covering our feet??

Boots? Take ’em off, baby! Galoshes? 86!!! Rubbers??? (Well, OK. Do I really need to get *that* specific here?) Just take it off! Take it ALL off! Even the socks! Especially the socks!!! How ’bout the White Sox? Them too.

Those White Sox don’t always stay up (in the standings) on their own anyway. They seem to prefer being “off.”

So indeed, whatever happened to bare naked foots? Today we have Bare Naked Ladies, but no foots? Whatever happened to feeling–yes, FEELING–the grass under our feet, squishing our toes in some Mudder race, or rockin’ REALLY hard on the rocks? Why do we suddenly need Vibram Five Fingers, “Minimals,” Vivobarefoots, Merrell Barefoots, and these other outrageous things called Xero Shoes? And have you priced this stuff lately??? Hoo-Grrrl! If I’m gonna spend this kinda cash just to *pretend* my girls are running uncovered? I’ll pay the cover charge.

And pretend that “dental floss” isn’t there either (you know, girding their loins).

So, what EVER did happen to “Born Free” and “Run Free” and dirtying your soles by collecting all the “sins” of the forest floor?

I’ll tell ya what happened. Ten thousand years ago, Java man first figured out that he needed help catching his sweet chiquitas. It’s a proven fact (only I have the proof, of course) that women started out with superior running ability. They used to “chick” all the Neanderthals with regularity. So… maybe the future of descending generations was in jeopardy?

Well then, aren’t we all glad Neanderthal figured it out? He somehow, almost miraculously, reasoned something like this: “Hmmm, when I chase girls I get blood all under my feet. Too many damn Woolly Mammoth tusks and bones lying about. They hurt!” But of course he also was the first to conceptualize a zero-sum game. He realized that the girls all got bloody feet, too, and STILL managed to outrun him! So he needed to think awhile longer.

He went: “WTF am I hunting big critters for? Why am I cutting ’em open, removing the insides, feeding all these chicks, and throwing away the tough outer covering? Huh? I’ll put this tough outer covering all around my feet! And THEN I can catch these women when THEY start to bleed–and not me!!!”

Yup. And for the next 10,000 years and right on up to the big advertising firms on Madison Avenue, New York City, no runners ever ran barefoot.

In fact, if they have too much money and don’t know what else to do with it, they still don’t.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,

The Troubadour
“your mid-evil lute-plucking bare-naked-ladies-appreciating fetishist who’s been chiquita’d by stuff like high heels for at least 800 years”

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Ho ho ho. It’s Christmas. So take off your stockings and hang ’em up by the fireplace where they belong, and hope that some body comes along some night and stuffs ’em with something else ya don’t need.