What Ever Happened To […] #1009

 

[And now to try and go back to take up the slack…]

The Lincoln Administraction Presents…

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO [“After You”] ?

Because today, it’s all ME. Me first! You AFTER me! What I get out of life is most important to ME! Not you. The heck with YOU!

It’s like “me radio.” WMEE-AM & FM. “All me all the time.”

Friends, the Commandments must surely have lately been rewritten. Toadally (remember those Egyptian plagues?) reviled. Oops, I mean revised. “Love thy neighbor as thyself” now reads: “Love thyself and, in fact, make thy neighbor love thyself.”

Neighbors–indeed whole ‘hoods–be damned! You’re the guy! You Da Man! Your life’s mission, therefore, is only to acquire ev-er-y-thing-pos-si-ble-up-on-the-face-of-this-Earth-to-put-you SO far-a-head-of-your-neigh-bor…
…that…
…he quits the club, retires from the game, wishes to leap off the planet.

“HEY!” you say (perfectly self-justifiably), “you *must* refund MY money! What the heck’s the problem here? I’m more important than you are or the rest of this race field is!”

“I don’t care if it’s now weeks past the refund deadline, that your race has a no-refund policy, that I SIGNED my name to the agreement and waiver–and BTW I’ll sue alla y’all’s asses anyway if I wanna–and also that everything was clearly stated in writing upfront–on web or on paper–I DON’T CARE! You owe ME!!!”

I…

…that is…

…***ME***…

…am so much MORE (more of importance, more of a good thing, more of a joy to be around, more of an inspiration to more and more people–both living now and yet to be born) than your own silly stupid piddly little weasly measly self could ever even possibly totally hope to be…

…so that…

…you need to worship!

No, not only ME in church (sure, The Beatles were once more popular than Jesus, but *I AM* even more popular than The Beatles) but everywhere! You therefore *must* fall to your knees whenever we meet, whenever my name is mentioned, whenever you’re even within earshot of somebody else being within earshot of someone–anyone, everyone–even WHISPERING of my divinity, my godlike abdominals, my PRs, my latest finishing times, my NAME!!

First name, surname, middle initial, prefatory titles, suffixatory numerology (the second, the third, junior, whatever)… it does not matter. For *I* (ME!!!) am the be-all and the end-all, the side-all (whether stitched or VO2-maxed or plain or peanut) the know-all, the see-all, THE single most important compilation of protoplastic ick ever to slime the hallway, skid the base path, or trudge the woods.

I am grate! I spill perfect! I even speek bettern you.

Indeed.

What EVER happened to “after you, ma’am” / “you go first, sir” / “I can wait for the *next* subway train”?

“We’re all in this reservoir together.” “It makes no difference whose thumb plugs the dike.” And “if mama ain’t happy, AIN’T NOBODY happy.” Huh? Where did all THAT preposterous civility go?

I think Lincoln took it. To Springfield, Illy-noise, with him after he “passed.” He advised, “Bind up the nation’s wounds,” and so Wall Street recently made everybody sore. He said, “With malice toward none and charity for all,” and now gangbangers just shoot everybody, whether they’re on welfare or not. And finally he said, “Mary Todd, yea whither hast thou put yon dramatis personae programme?” And then an early gangbanger shot HIM.

“Me! Me first! Thus always!” he hollered as he jumped down onto Ford’s Theatre’s stage. “Let ME get the hell outa HERE!!!”

Yup. I gotta think ol’ John Wilkes Booth is The Father of Selfishness. He’s your hero–IF, that is, you’re still thinking like a scalawag and demanding that impoverished race directors pay “restitution” to *YOU* with money they no longer have.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,

The Troubadour
“waiting over 800 years, in fact, for the next subway train”

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Ah, ya can’t hardly blame alla young-uns for selfishness. I mean, lookit all the trophies they won as kids from their doting parents for not winning anything. They totally grew up feeling completely precious, right? And now look: they even have *i*Phones and *i*Pods and *i*Macs. Meanwhile U-Haul, I’m told, is nearly bankrupt. It’s not *You*, after all, that hauls anything! It’s Mom.

PS: There’s a Great new race in town (my town!) See it here…
http://www.runrace.net/findarace.php?id=12182IL&tab=a3
…and see you there!!!