Real Men/Women of Genius #92

Bud Light presents…

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

{Re-al men of geeeeeene-yuss!}

Today we salute you, Mr. Brandnew English Grammar Creator and Thuslike Hurryuper to Listserv Commentate.

{Surrrrrrrrre you cannnnnnnnnnnnn ig-nore theeeeeeeeeeee spell-check!}

“I’ve did,” you write. “I’ve now have ran that race to.” “I was their before they got there permit to run they’re.” Ahem. These are expressions you’ve found in the dictionary? In your old grade school Dick & Jane workbooks? Scrawled by poets on napkins in roadside diners?

{Weee wannnnnn-na seeee YOUR reee-port carrrrrrd!}

We need to know your sources of inspiration here, because surely this grammar is way too complex to be solely concocted by yourself alone. Dependent clause constructs like “if you have did signed up by yesterdays June Oneths deadline” positively take our rhetorical breath away.

{May-beeeeeeeeeeee we’re beeee-ing too harrrrrrrd on PhDsssssssssss?}

You are now writing in the, what, subjunkdive pluimperfect grannamo tense?

{“I fouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuund it in my phon-nics book!”}

Did you walk to school or carry your lunch? What *is* the sound of one jaw yapping? And did you ever once in your life understand those tricky semantic and orthographic distinctions between and among: “to,” “too,” and “two”; “its” and “it’s”; “farther” and “further”; “ad” and “add”; “woman” and “women” and “woman’s” and “women’s”; “which” and “that” and “because” and “since”; “they” and “there” and “they’ll” and “there’ll”; and this all-new classic “I’d love some” versus “love me some”? Puh-leeeease. Next you’ll be petitioning the Modern Language Association for loose-leaf American Literature texts.

{“Lettttttttttt’s all speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak Spannnnn-nish in-stead!”}

Now here is one of your all-time classic comments on a nutrition thread:
“To keep your head from turning brown, it should be shredded and placed inside a plastic bag to sit in the fridge. You can always ad nutrients later with subtlements.”

{Be surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre to poke holes in the bag soooo yooooooooooooou CAN breeeeeeeathe!}

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, O William F. Buckley, Junior, and-virgule-or Mister William Safire–both underpaid Bills–since really your very best work largely goes unnoticed. But we’ve did it. We done noticed. This, your following sentence, should be bronzed and enshrined in The My Tired Old Grammar’s Hall of Fame: “I’m plan to moving their in couple weaks and would love me some well trails too run on them at they’re besides there annihile billyboobed stump jumping swamp rabbitt jive stompish ugly mugly 50 kilos momator thang.”

{Misssss-ter Braaaaaaand-new Eng-gleesh Grammm-mar Cre-a-tor and Thus-like Hur-ry-up-per to List-serv Commmmmm-men-taaaate!}

Bud Light beer: we don’t care where they brew it; we just dig their commercials.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,
The Troubadour

Book Review:
http://tinyurl.com/VirginAndVeteran.

Better Resource:
http://thefuntimesguide.com/2004/10/bud_light_real.php.

Best Yankee Non-Folly of The Day:
Happy Birthday to “A Real American Hero”: Charlie Thorn!