Real Men/Women of Genius #69

[Per still more recently appertaining Ultralist threads… :]

Bud Light presents…

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

{Re-al men of geeeeeene-yuss}

Today we salute you, Mr. Power Tools User and Remedier for All Your Foot and Toenail Woes.

{Mis-ter “myyy cord-less e-lec-tric hedge trimmm-mer works just fine!!”}

It’s too bad we don’t see more Black & Deckers lying around podiatrists’ offices. According to you, medical practice for footcare has missed its calling. As you have loved to replay in delicious detail, there ain’t nothing that quite works on hangnails like a Milwaukee Sawzall.

{Yeeeeeeeee-ow-za! Barrrre-foot car-pennn-ter-ring!!}

Blood blisters under your big toenail? Why, a 32nds-inch steel twist bit mounted to a variable speed power drill will relieve the pressure in no time.

{It worrrrrrrrrrrrks like a minnnn-i-a-ture oil rig!}

And we are all eyes as you describe just how fine a Fein MultiMaster works on feet. There are power attachments for every ailment. For calluses, you’ve got that perforated triangular sanding pad. For retarding the progress of wildly-growing-out-of-control nails: you just can’t beat that patented rigid stopping knife.

{Whaaaaaaat a-bout their pat-tent-ted osssss-cil-la-ting blades?}

For other problems, like fungus and ingrowns, you’ve used routers and thickness planers. For truly excessive nail removal, they make electric lawn edgers. And for curing your hammertoes, you just squeeze them into a bench vise.

{“Thennnnnnnnnn I can fit innnn-to size-smallll-er shoes!”}

You’ve mentioned excessive blistering and toe losses. Dude, you could be referring to leprosy. Home Depot might not be able to help you there.

{Maaaaaay-beeee the eeee-mer-gen-cyyyy room…}

In your wisdom, you’ve actually suggested removing toenails permanently. And for that, you just can’t beat a Craftsman Impact Hammer with spring retainer that accepts a multitude of shanks with variable chisel head designs.

{Tryyyyyyyyyy to cut a-lonnnnng the fault plane!}

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light after surgery, O Marcus Welby, M.D., and chug it down while you heel, because there’s no better way to buff and polish all those cute tootsies of yours after the pedicure’s done, rather permanently, than by grabbing your DeWALT heavy-duty 15-gauge Finish Pneumatic Nailer and… finishing them.

{Mis-ter Powww-wer Tooooooools U-ser and Rem-ed-diiii-er for Allllllllll Your Foot and Toe-naaaaaail Woes!}

Bud Light beer: we don’t care where they brew it; we just dig their commercials.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,
The Troubadour

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Just trying to think how well one of those HILTI powder actuated tools might work on athletes’ feet.