Real Men/Women of Genius #51

[I would just like to extend a non-RM/WoG shout-out to my new buddy, A.J. Johnson, who had the misfortune of enduring my pacing services last weekend at MMT100. Despite my best efforts, it was a successful dodging of said services- because he finished. Congratulations, my friend! And for your reward, you now hold an “exemption” from ever being a subject of RM/WoG. Think of it as a kind of “get out of jail free” Community Chest card, which will do you about the same amount of good.]

Bud Light presents…

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

{Reeeeeeeee-al mennn of geeeeeene-yuss}

Today we salute you, O Doctor of Computerology, Our Local Desperately Needed Desk- and/or Laptop Emergency Repairman.

{Yooou e-ven wear a white lab coat in your street-front shop!}

Sure, your services are entirely necessary and we would be helpless without them, but you keep bankers’ hours and have a sliding fee schedule that varies from “one-time office visit” to “left lung” and all the way up to “first and second-born sons or daughters or hermaphrodites.”

{Whaaaaat can I get for my pooood-le lit-ter?}

We drag in our machine, and the first thing you do is shake your head. “It could take a week,” you say, “UNLESS perhaps you’d like to take special advantage of our ‘Express Service’?”

{IIIIIII’d ra-ther beee rolled in crushed glass and gas and set-on-fire!!}

Please. What you are telling us is that, for triple or quadruple the quoted rate you’d suddenly be willing to conduct the exam and prescribe the medicine, like, tomorrow. But for simply paying the regular rate? “Here. Take a number. We’ll call you in a month.”

{Yooooou’d bettttt-er hava back-up maaaaa-cheeen!}

So we agree to pay the regular rate, and wait. We give you and your “team of cyberphysicians” very specific instructions. We even give you the special at-great-pains-previously-ordered startup/restore disk from Japan, in order to return the now-infected monster to its original SONY factory freshness! After, of course, you first extract, save, and preserve all the data.

{Dooooo you wan-na keeeeep all these porn pho-tos??}

But that, of course, is NOT what you’ve done. One quarter-year later we return to your specialty practice, offer to show our health insurance card, and pay the regular fee. When we plug-in, power-up, and log-on at home, however, we don’t even recognize whatever we’re seeing! AND all the critical programs–like the ones that READ all the “saved” data–have all been erased.

{Weeeeee should’ve paid thee Exxx-press Fee!!}

So crack open a cold heartless Bud Light after hours, O Dr. Christiaan Barnard of Open-Part Motherboard Surgery, because your next patient *could* actually be less pleased than we are, and go back to his home and program a whole new virus by which he can contaminate your entire shop from the comfort of his now completely unrecognizable browser.

{Doc-tor of Com-pu-ter-ol-o-gy, Lo-cal Des-per-ate-ly Need-ed Desk- and/or Lap-top E-merg-en-cy Reee-pair-man!!}

Bud Light beer: we don’t care where it’s made; we just dig their commercials.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,
The Troubadour

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Never mind the unrecognizable computer repairs, Microsoft will then take at least THREE HOURS OF YOUR MORNING to download all your “Updates.”