Middle Income Richard’s Third Millennium Almanack, No. 5

MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD’S
Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
An e-zine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
———————————————
Number 5, Late September
In the 1st year of the 21st century
(c) 2001 Rich Limacher
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

We buy their oil, and then they steal it back and bomb us
with it. And we are STILL buying their oil.

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Editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts, and
everything else to:
TheTroubadour@prodigy.net

——————————–
This e-zine is all about:
*our* future.
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Pray tell why, oh why, are we still dependent on Mideast
oil? Is anyone paying attention? Where DO we think
O’Satan sin Loathus (a.k.a. Osama bin Laden) GOT all his
money for financing terrorism to begin with? He’s an exiled
Saudi sheik. His fortune comes from OUR gas money.

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Here’s something the conscientious objector egghead types
can do whilst our special forces wage the next war:

=====> Invent a new fuel.

(And please re-read what was written about this last time,
in Middle Income Richard’s No. 4, which was published some
days prior to September 11th.)

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How about… let’s all try something else in the meantime:

A bicycle.

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250 Years Ago Exactly This Month:

“Ah! what is Life? With Ills encompass’d round,
Amidst our Hopes, Fate strikes the sudden Wound;
To-day the Statesman of new Honour dreams,
To-morrow Death destroys his airy Schemes.
Is mouldy Treasure in thy Chest confin’d;
Think, all that Treasure thou must leave behind;
Thy Heir with Smiles shall view thy blazon’d Hearse,
And all thy Hoards, with lavish Hand disperse.

Talking against Religion is unchaining a Tyger;
The Beast let loose may worry his Deliverer.”

–Benjamin Franklin (a.k.a. Richard Saunders)
“Poor Richard’s Almanack, &c.”
1751
(September)

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(Electric) Chair of Contents:

———======
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rare-prophecy-and-stuff
f e Fried bin
e v e r y t h i n g – e l s e Laden
a d footstool:
t b p on scrolli
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p s page numbers are no longer necessary
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(because no one pays any attention anyway)
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Here’s something ELSE that needs inventing:

Post graduate courses for air traffic controllers.

First lesson: When a plane from Boston bound for California
all of a sudden flies SOUTH without warning, call somebody!
Like, the Air Force.

————————————————————

Help Wanted: Desperately seeking someone, anyone, who
speaks Arabic and/or Farsi or Dari. No Aston Martin
w/ejection seat required or necessary. Will train. Turbans
and Palm Pilots with language dictionary software provided.
Apply in person at Langley, Virginia. Central Intelligence
Agency Headquarters.

[This non-paid advertisement provided as an intelligence
community service. Middle Income Richard intends to
continue providing this service from now on, until
intelligence is detected in the community.]

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Today’s Life Lesson to Live By:

Leave the car in the garage. Walk, run, rollerblade, ride a
bike, snowshoe, or windsurf to work today. If you’re
already at work, guarantee your parking spot for years:
leave the car where it is. Walk, run, rollerblade, ride a
bike, snowshoe, or windsurf home.

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I’m now reading the fine print of my homeowners policy.
What a brilliant stroke of foresight for acts of war to be
excluded.

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When vandals vie for equal time, graffiti shall fall under
the terrorism exclusion and thus be held harmless for
damages.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Tomorrow’s Little Story:

NUKE THE THIRD
by

C. C. Writers
(c) 2001

The thing is, nobody but nobody ever suspected that the next
hydrogen bomb would detonate inside the very facility in
which it was built.

And, of course, nobody ever suspected that Major Naseem
Rashad, a good and true patriot and veteran of the Gulf War,
had also been positioned within the targeted Los Alamos area
“cell” nearly ten years ago.

The major was fluent in English. He knew U.S. military
history better than almost anyone. His family became
naturalized citizens while he was a teenager. He graduated
M.I.T. with a 3.98 GPA and later excelled in fighter pilot
school. He was befriended by the Air Force brass. He was
given “Top Secret” clearance and admitted to specialized
training. He was promoted as squadron leader in Missile
Delivery Systems and assigned to Nuclear Weaponry and
graduated near the top of that class. He was also given
special access to LANL’s most sensitive weapons
manufacturing facility. And that is how the son of an
immigrant Saudi neurosurgeon came to make a bomb one hundred
times more powerful than ever fell on Hiroshima or Nagasaki.

A Major Rashad, had anyone ever bothered to check, never did
any of these things–except, of course, make the bomb.

“Major Rashad” was a Shiite for Jihad.

And so it was that the third nuclear weapon ever to be
detonated in faring war upon the Earth was not delivered by
a guided missile. It was not dropped on a city in any
hemisphere. It was not the weapon of one industrialized
nation at war against another, and neither was it stolen or
pirated or hijacked by any known enemy in the Third World.
It’s evil was unleashed upon the totally unsuspecting State
of New Mexico on the very site it was built.

As Americans learned many, many years later, fallout from
that one explosion reached nearly every highly populated
urban area west of the Mississippi. In its wake all crops
were destroyed, much of the nation’s drinking water was
poisoned, and in terms of total population the United States
suffered over 20 percent casualties. And only one man did
this. And he is of course dead.

But, as he might have told you, had you asked, he is also
no doubt in heaven.

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We spy more now on Congressmen’s beds than we do on those
who could forever put Congress to sleep.

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Today’s Exceptionally Important Internet Link:

http://reason.com/hod/jw092101.html

Please read this. It is an excellent analysis of where the
U.S.A. goes from here. The country apparently has six
possible options. See if it appears that President Bush is
opting for Number 5. Personally, Middle Income Richard has
long been a fan of Charles Bronson.

* * * * *

Thanks to Andrea Feucht, of Albuquerque, NM, for posting
this most excellent website discovery to her own readers on
the Internet.

* * * * *

She asks, “Red or green?”

Richard asks, “‘Mission Impossible’ or ‘Missionary
Position'”?

====================================

Today’s Five-Day Forecast for Afghanistan:

Four days.

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Today’s Repetitious Media Message:

* * * * *

[By the way, I would truly and sincerely like to thank all
those who actually have snail-mailed a buck or two in care
of my P.O. Box. You know who you are, and I thank you with
all my heart. I appreciate your encouragement to keep this
going.]

* * * * *

It’s no secret that one of our most memorable ancestors, Ben
Franklin, got his first real “break” in the media by giving
up trying to pander to the tastes of the more traditional
publishers of his time–and just inventing that “break” on
his own. He published a simple one-page periodical called
“Poor Richard’s Almanack” and sold it along the streets and
rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived
as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some
two-hundred and sixty-nine years later, you get “Middle
Income Richard’s 3rd Millennium Almanack” selling along the
buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy.

At least, that’s the plan.

For the moment, of course, this is free. That is, unless
you suddenly develop pangs of conscience, and for that you
might find immediate relief by snail-mailing a Yankee
greenback to Ben’s most dubious distant cousin: C. C.
Writers at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, Illinois 60443 USA.
Thanks. And keep thinking “green” (i.e., saving the
environment by promoting paperless publishing)!!!

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Tomorrow’s Little Prophecy:

“Police Action” Against Terrorism

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Yesterday’s Painful Remembrance:

Viet Nam

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If this War Against Terrorism shakes out like that War
Against Communism, I do hereby state publicly that
I conscientiously object to having children.

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Does anyone even remember Muammar Qaddafi?
President Reagan dropped a couple quick bombs on his bunker,
and the bastard’s been pretty quiet ever since.

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The Theological Question of the Day:

What works best when attacked by the devil, extending him an
offer of peace, or incinerating his ass?

Which method did God choose?

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No Longer Wishful Thinking,
Here Is Middle Income Richard’s
Very First Paid Advertisement:
—— ——- —— ——————–

[Editor’s note: And it fits rather nicely with the theme of
fighting funding for terrorism through physical fitness.
Getting in shape has always been the special goal of my own
abdomen. Actually, if the truth were known, Middle Income
Richard is mostly Lower-Middle, because of all the
Upper-Dollars spent on traveling around the country to run
in races. :-]

[start] * * * * * * Paid Advertisements * * * * * * *

And now for all you racing enthusiasts
[non-motorized, that is, and non-wheeled neither]
here is something completely different
[or, at least not well known in *this* particular
e-publication]. It’s the…

2nd Annual
GREATER TORONTO ULTRA RACE
50 Kilometers and 100 Kilometers
—————————————————-
8:00 a.m., April 20, 2002
A Saturday in sunny and balmy Toronto,
Ontario, Canada, North America,
Western Hemisphere, Earth.
.
This course is very, very fast
[remember: this is a footrace, so speed here is
relative; that is, related to your own feet and how fast
you can move them] and ORA Class C certified.
[Not “certifiable,” just *certified.* OK?]
Cutoff suggested at 14 hours for BOTH races
[no, this doesn’t mean the severing of bodyparts;
it means you gotta be done running before
the clock strikes “14” else you turn into a pumpkin]
…but nobody gets pulled no matter what.
[Not even if the Wicked Witch turns them into taffy.]

The course is 5 kilometers out and then back along
a little-used asphalt bike path following the beautiful
Humber River with 4 small bridge crossings. Repeat
5 or 10 times as required. [No, not crossing the bridge.
Running the 5 kilometers!] Also, there are NO road
crossings.

The Entry Fee is unbelievably cheap for Americans
due to the economic policy of our Canadian
Government [which allows as to how all Americans
enter cheap].

Oh, this also happens to be the very first
Ontario Ultra Series event of the year.
[The second one hasn’t bothered to advertise in this e-rag.]
[But maybe someday, eh?]

Contact race director John A. Remington
for any information that hasn’t already been made
crystal clear herewith. Send John an e-mail at
johnremington@hotmail.com. You can also
log onto http://ous.kw.net for more race and Ontario Ultra
Series info. [Mention where you saw this ad and receive…
well, maybe just the sweet satisfaction that naturally
fulfills following the hacking out of e-mail
without too many mistakes.]

[end] * * * * * * Paid Advertisements * * * * * * *

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I still say, get in, do the job, and get out. King Richard I
of England also advocated a “Crusade.” No one seems to
remember that. And the fact that, after nearly TWO HUNDRED
YEARS, the western allies lost that war, too.

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You cannot wage war against a concept. Richard the
Lion-Hearted tried this some nine hundred years ago.
Radical Islam is still around, but Richard is not. And the
“Holy Land” still doesn’t belong to the Christians.

So, we think WE can do better against Terrorism?

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Yesterday’s Feedback:
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[start] * * * * * * E-mail to the Editor * * * * * * *

[Editor’s note: Thanks to all those who have written a line
or two. I’d print them all here, except I haven’t had time
to ask your permissions. We’ve all been rather preoccupied
this month with more urgent matters.

But the good news since last time is: Nobody bitched!]

[end] * * * * * * E-mail to the Editor * * * * * * *

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The thoroughfares toward nadir are trafficked by drug lords
and crime bosses, lined with arms dealers on both sides of
the street, and shot up occasionally by terrorists. And yet
there stands, at each crowded intersection, an American cop
directing traffic.

In other words, the road to hell is paved with good
intentions.

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Vertical Cartoon:

[In deference this month to President Bush and the
war-ravaged skyscrapers of the World Trade Center, a
“vertical” cartoon will not be published.
Instead, I offer “a rant.”]

A Letter First Written To Dear Friends of Mine
Who Live and Work Just Minutes from The Pentagon:

Dear Andy & Julie,

In rereading your thoughtful and exquisitely detailed
account, I am chilled by how close to home this heinous
crime really was. I know you two folks; you live two lines
and maybe two dozen Metro stops from the Pentagon. You, in
turn, know New Yorkers; you work every day with folks just
across the street from Ground Zero. Your retaliation was to
buy a van. (I bought a used one earlier this summer.) My
retaliation was to write a letter to our Immigration Service
at the U.S. Embassy in Islamabad requesting a visitor’s visa
on behalf of my Illinois client’s Pakistani mother with
Alzheimer’s disease–for her caretaker. I did this free of
charge.

You work near a perceived vital governmental target. I live
in the shadow of the big-shouldered city, once the railroad
hub of the nation, now an in-flight halfway house, but still
the home of United Airlines–a major target of
transportation. Your most poignant concerns are for your
TV-viewing children. I am concerned with the media-reading
adults. You are afraid for your kids’ future lives; I feel
the same for my scared shitless adults right now.

I’ve known you folks going on a quarter century. Yes, I’m
afraid it has almost been that long. I knew you freshest
from springtime days when we all went to college. We met
through a Maryland country club. At that club I met my very
first “secret agent.” He worked for the United States
Secret Service. I was the club’s bartender. The agent was
drunk. He went home and left his wallet behind. Inside the
wallet was his badge.

I called his home. He sobered up real, real quick. He
drove back to the club and retrieved his wallet. He offered
no thanks. He gave me no tip.

That should have told me something right there.

Now, in light of these recent dark events, I must ask a
quarter century later, “Just how sober are those agencies
which are charged with the security of our United States?”
Did you see “60 Minutes” last night? We don’t even have
agents in Arabia who speak Arabic, and today the FBI posted
a “Help Wanted” ad on the news inviting anyone who knows
that language or Farsi to apply for a job. Two months
before last Tuesday, that same program aired “an interview”
conducted in Afghanistan with a faithful follower of Sahib
bin Laden. He talked about–I just heard it replayed
tonight on a “special” 60 Minutes–how easy it would be for
him to find people for suicide-bombing the White House.
This man talked about kamikaze soldiers as if they were
lined up at Middle East army induction centers begging to be
drafted. Other reports on the news tonight concerned
tip-offs received from some “cell” in Germany and another
“cell” in New Jersey whose members were all on a rooftop
Tuesday morning (no doubt with air-popped popcorn and boxes
of Jihad JuJuBe’s) gazing at lower Manhattan and waiting for
the show to start. At those precise moments of our greatest
peril, these freaks burst into applause.

No one listened. No one noticed. Nobody’s paying
attention.

How about that dubious dude enrolling in one of our flight
schools, paying his tuition in cash, and wanting only to
learn to fly commercial jets horizontally. He did not want
to learn how to take off or land. What does something like
that tell your basic American flight school instructor?
“Hmmm, this guy must be planning to board and deplane by
parachute!”

Is anyone listening? Does anyone ever notice? Is ANYBODY
paying attention?

We do more spying on Congressional bedrooms than we do on
those who can actually kill Congress.

How about that other 60 Minutes piece on the guy who went
around testing airport security? For YEARS! With knives
and guns and briefcases and AK-47s strapped to his back
under raincoats! He got through every time! One hundred
percent failure rate at stopping him. He and others have
reported such findings to the FAA and to Congress since at
least 1998, and yet… the most recent terrorists were
armed only with ceramic knives and false IDs. No guns even
necessary. The most devastating synchronized hijack attack
on the U.S. in all of its history–and our “metal detectors”
have proved to the world that they’re absolutely useless.

Is anyone watching? Does anyone ever pay attention? Is
there ANYBODY out there thinking???

Besides terrorists?

You know what I think? I think the smartest terrorist of
all doesn’t even need any weapons. All he really, really
needs is one gigantic magnet. Or, a virus.

If he would wield it right, all our computerized defenses
would erase. And then he could wipe out Washington D.C.
with a hand grenade. Or, a germ.

So now, if past is prologue for the folly of freedom to
defend itself, the U.S. may now proceed to bomb Afghanistan
back to the Stone Age and send a heat-seeking missile,
launched from a submarine, to take out the last known
remaining bunker of Huzizass bin Laden. Except, of course,
by then the bastard will have moved to Baltimore–by simply
presenting a phony passport and visa to the illiterate
$7-an-hour security officer at the Port of New York. And
then paying cash to buy a limousine for his ride to Charm
City.

Has NO ONE been watching James Bond?
(And where the hell is HE now that we need him?)

Hasn’t ANYONE been paying attention to our movies?

Besides terrorists?

Now, where DO you think they get their best ideas?

No, actually, Andy and Julie, they don’t get their best
ideas from movies. They got them already in schools. OUR
schools. They have been our classmates.

And we thought the “Cold War” was over.

Your concerned fellow refugee from the fall of reason,

Richard

[“Middle Income Richard’s” will return
at some as yet unimaginable
future unspecified time]