MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD’S
Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
———————————————
Number 32, Summer 2006
In the 6th year of the 21st century
© 2006 Rich Limacher
———————————————
So, like, we’re sure nobody notices,
but this is our 5th year anniversary.
(hubba hubba 😉
————————————
This webzine is mostly supposed to disturb
you enough so that you’ll start thinking about
what’s going to come long after you’re gone
————————————
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else to: CCWriters@mcleodusa.net
———————————————
Baud, what frauds these e-bytes be!
———————————————
But you can click on this for the genuine stuff:
———————————————
http://www.zombierunner.com
———————————————
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We here at Mid Inc Rick’s corporate headquarters
would like to extend our sincerest apologies to
anyone otherwise expecting this e-rag to appear
right now in full color, with all sorts of cute, artsy-
craftsy full-color photographs to disguise the fact
that we’ve nothing to say…
( O_O )
…or to cause you, like “Playboy” does, to feel some
sort of imaginary guilt that you really and truly
SHOULD only be looking at this to read the articles.
The plain fact is: THIS particular issue is our first
“retro anniversary issue” which has been done up
on purpose to look kind of like that very first black-
and-white issue did way back in late May of 2001.
But the even plainer fact is: Our entire computer
“system” crashed (see why below), and this is
about the best we can do right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limacher’s Law: The only things that actually happen in life
can never be imagined in advance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chair of Contents:
r
e
g
u
l
a
rare – wisdom – and – fluff
f e Happy
e v e r y t h i n g – e l s e Black/White!
a d feetures:
t b p on scrolli
u a e n
r c e o
e k k n
p s page numbers are no longer necessary
—————————————————————-
(because everything is all on one page)
—————————————————————-
“Feetures” in this issue include:
a) Computational Catastrophe
b) A burnt toast offering to one D.K.:
c) The Very Model for a Modern Ultramarathon
d) Yankee Folly of the Day
e) Media Message
f) Must-Clicks & Free Promos
g) Sigh of the Dept. of Bumper Stuckers
h) C. Ceasonal Poetry
i) Vertical Cartoon
j) Feedback
k) Photo ID Quiz Winner
l) Serious, Extremely Serious, Videos & Websites
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( Q_Q )
The Unholy Omen
It happened in just this order:
1st = The total computational meltdown, failure, and catastrophe happened in early
May.
2nd = Many MANY totally exasperating telephone conversations took place with Microsoft’s
off-sourced semi-English-speaking / non-comprehending techno-servo cyber geeks in
India.
3rd = A whole lotta money was expended at “The Computer Doctor” to get this contraption
somehow working again, and finally 4th = The following flurry of e-mails flashed by
brilliantly, ineffectively, like ships passing in the night.
And thus:
5th = Microsoft, that vast gigantic monopoly lording over Mid Inc Rick’s entire assemblage
of pre-installed software (including all that Norton jive) and whose fault it was
that this
system crashed in the first place, ended up doing–for Rick–absolutely NOTHING.
Here, you read:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: “Compass Rule Manager” <comprule@microsoft.com>
To: <ccwriters@mcleodusa.net>
Subject: “Regarding Case Number SRX060505601361-1”
Date: Saturday, May 13, 2006 12:37 PM
FR: COMPMAIL@MICROSOFT.COM
******* The following is an email for a support case from Microsoft Corp.
******* DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE–your email will not be added to
******* the case if you do. Instead, FORWARD your response to the
******* email address COMPMAIL@MICROSOFT.COM and place your text after
******* the keyword ‘MESSAGE:’. Also, delete all other text above
******* and below the keywords ‘CASE_ID_NUM: SRnnn’ and ‘MESSAGE:’
******* to ensure proper delivery of your email. Thank you.
CASE_ID_NUM: SRX060505601361-1
MESSAGE:
********************** The message for you follows ************************
Dear Richard,
My name is Val and I am a Manager with Microsoft Windows XP Technical Support.
I am contacting you regarding your SRX0605056013611 and I am unable to reach you at
[phone].
It has been brought to my attention that there may have been some concerns regarding
a recent
support experience you had while working with one of my support professional. If you
would
like to talk about your experience please let me know how I can reach you. If you
would like
to correspond over the phone please send me an updated phone number if the one provided
is
incorrect and please include a preferred timeframe when you will be available for
the call.
Also I would like to know the current status of the issue.
Your feedback is important to Microsoft and we always appreciate the opportunity to
hear from
our customers regarding how we can improve the support that is being provided.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you for using Microsoft Products and Services.
You have a great time!!
Regards,
Val
Team Manager
Windows XP Technical Support
v-6vem@mssupport.microsoft.com
When replying, please include your SR number, name, email address and phone number.
Thank you.
Is your PC secure? For more information on how to protect your PC, please visit:
http://www.microsoft.com/security
“Build Customer Trust and Value by Providing A Quality Experience The First Time,
Every Time”.
Delighting our customers is our top priority.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Yo. Uh-huh. And whoop-dee-doo.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: “Rich Limacher” <ccwriters@mcleodusa.net>
To: <compmail@microsoft.com>
Cc: <v-6vem@mssupport.microsoft.com>
Subject: Fw: “Regarding Case Number SRX060505601361-1”
Date: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:07 PM
CASE_ID_NUM: SRX060505601361-1
MESSAGE:
********************** The message for you follows ************************
Dear Val,
I cannot understand why you have been unable to reach me by telephone. The
phone number you have for me (shown below) is correct.
Just a few minutes ago, someone from Microsoft did in fact call me and we
conducted a “survey” over the phone, pertaining to my “satisfaction”
regarding this recent Windows XP problem.
Last week, your employee Jeya was very kind and helpful, but even she was
unable to repair the damage which was caused–mainly or partially–by
Microsoft’s “Update” utility.
I will explain.
What I now think happened was this: at approximately 1:30 to 2:00 A.M. on
May 5, 2006, BOTH Microsoft Update AND Norton SystemWorks “Live Updates”
accessed my computer. I do (or did) have both loaded on my computer, and so
at that particular moment, both remote programs began accessing my hard
drive and caused irreparable damage to my “system” and possibly other deeply
embedded basic files, thereby disabling Windows XP completely.
Furthermore, I tried at that hour on May 5th to shut down my computer–BUT
Windows XP WOULD NOT ALLOW ME TO SHUT DOWN! My screen flashed a message that:
“updates were being installed” and that “my computer will shut down automatically
afterwards.” So I retired for the night.
Then when I simply tried to turn my computer on later that morning, IT WOULD
NOT BOOT UP. Once power was turned on, the screen went through its opening
sequence–first showing my computer brand name “VAIO” (from Sony), then showing
“Intel Pentium IV,” and finally showing “Windows XP”–but then the computer
would subsequently shut off, and then turn back on again and repeat this
sequence indefinitely.
Several (many!) of your Microsoft Tech Support people tried to help me–by
walking me through DOS-level commands, and so forth, to try to get Windows
XP to boot up, but Jeya finally determined that my “system” file had been
corrupted.
This rendered any further attempts at repair useless. Jeya helped me
contact Sony Tech Support and both recommended that I purchase a “restore”
disk from Sony which will restore my computer to exactly the way it was when
I bought it in 2004. Jeya, and others, recommended first that I take my
computer to a local repair shop and have them remove my hard disk, install
it into one of their working computers, and then back up all my hard disk
data onto CDs.
I did exactly this. My local repair shop proved to be very helpful indeed.
They were able to salvage my irreplaceable data, but they could NOT get the
existing Windows XP program to work. So they were forced to do a “parallel
installation” which put a second Windows XP program into my hard drive,
which now at last allows me to operate my computer.
That is the “status” of my case today. My computer does work, but I have
LOST ALL my other programs. I am now forced to purchase that “restore” disk
from Sony which will then put all my programs back, but it will wipe out all
my data. However, I will have already saved all my data onto CDs and/or
DVDs for re-loading back onto my hard drive once it is restored.
But you need to know that I am still DISSATISFIED with Microsoft because:
1) NONE of the damage done to my computer was my fault, nor was it caused by
any virus,
2) Microsoft’s Update service is somehow able to access my computer and
operate “in the background” without my knowledge and/or permission,
3) Microsoft’s Update service is NOT apparently able to prevent *other
services* from also accessing my computer at the same time–which, in my
opinion, is a ***SERIOUS FLAW*** with your service,
4) This entire ordeal has already cost me nearly $300.00 in fees and repairs
AND has resulted in the LOSS of all my originally loaded programs as well as
all other programs that I have loaded since 2004, and finally
5) I cannot understand why there needs to be a Microsoft “Update” utility in
the first place. Why should you sell an incomplete Operating System? When
I purchase a computer, I expect that the Operating System already pre-loaded
on it IS ALREADY up-to-date and that it will work totally acceptably until
such time as Microsoft releases a newer version. Unless I have purchased
some type of virus-protection program from you, you should NEVER EVER have
any need to access my computer “in the background” and certainly NEVER
without my knowledge and permission!
These issues I now recommend that you convey to the very top-level of
program developers and technicians at Microsoft, Inc.
All this damage done to my computer was not my fault; it was yours. And
Microsoft does need to address these issues and prevent such damages to any
other customer’s computer from now on and into the future.
If you wish, I could possibly copy-and-paste the “log” file still located on
my hard drive, which would display for you *exactly* what happened between
approximately 1:30 and 2:00 A.M. on May 5, 2006–when Microsoft “Update” was
in fact invading my hard drive without my knowledge and permission.
Otherwise, please convey this information to the proper authorities at
Microsoft.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to explain myself.
Most sincerely,
Richard Limacher
ccwriters@mcleodusa.net
[phone]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Take THAT, you idiots!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: “Compass Email Clerk” <compmail@microsoft.com>
To: <ccwriters@mcleodusa.net>
Subject: CREATE CASE/LOG SUCCESS
Date: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:08 PM
Your case email was accepted.
CASE_ID_NUM: SRX060505601361-1
<all previous emails regurgitated here,
now snipped to save megabytes>
————————————————-
** Mail sent by ClarifyCRM Mail Clerk **
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Yo. Thanks for “accepting” what the hell you asked for in the first place!]
Here, then, the UNholy/unhappy/totally meaningless results:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nobody called.
Nothing further was done.
Basic LOSSES included:
a) 7 days’ worth of otherwise gainful work and/or opportunities for same.
b) Almost 300 smackers for what should have been unnecessary repairs:
$60.00 + $124.66 + $61.16 = $245.82 [Notice all the Satanic 6’s]
c) Three exasperating trips to “The Computer Doctor.”
d) All originally-loaded SONY VAIO software on this machine.
e) The originally configured, saved, restored, transferred, and nearly lost
Outlook Express (containing all “Middle Income Richard’s” mailing lists).
f) The printer attached to this machine.
g) The damn preinstalled word-processor, Microsoft Word, upon which
Mid Rick’s entire life depends.
h) This new HTML editor that yours truly is supposed to use, and
i) *ALL* those other way-cool and groovy programs that Mid Rick never
bothered to: count, utilize, remember, save, or back-up.
Yup.
Talk about your week’s walk thru the furnace. Talk about spending NON-quality
time in hell…
“I WANNA SUE SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
–A Boy Named Sue
( Q_Q )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limacher’s Second Law: ALL programming, all tutorials, and everything else inside
your computer is written to follow ONLY *just exactly how it’s supposed to work*
and whenever the least bit of tiny deviation happens (like failures, crashes,
meltdowns, software re-installs, and screwings-around-with by the computer repair
guy)… well, that’s when NOTHING works like it’s supposed to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And nowadays they don’t even give you an “owner’s manual.” Nah, if you want *that*
you have to go online.
Never mind the fact that YOUR COMPUTER **CANNOT** “go online” BECAUSE… well, because
of all this complete evil, like failures, crashes, meltdowns, software re-installs,
and
screwings-around-with by the computer repair guy.
( O_O )
==============================================
New version of fave quote:
“Any idiot can type run-on sentences on a typewriter. It takes a special
kind of idiot to get these things to run on a computer.”
–Mid Ink Rick
(with apologies to Alan Cabelly)
==============================================
And speaking of “VAIOs,” check this whackiness out:
http://www.steelcitysfinest.com/ToyotaViosAd.htm
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
And now it’s time for a bit of levity, some song perhaps. Mid Ink would like to reprise
a parody of his first published in this e-rag a long time ago. Perhaps now in dubious
honor of one Dean Karnazes, that whacky guy featured on CBS’s 60 Minutes for claiming
such goofy, false, or inconsequential running feats as: being the first to run a
marathon at the South Pole, running 300 miles without stopping, running “naked around
the world,” and (while running) ordering pizza on his cell phone to be delivered
to such-and-such intersection at such-and-such time, payable by credit card to the
driver. But, believe it or not, there are thousands of runners who do this (the
athletic, not the whacky) stuff —not just Dean!
Here, you can meet the dude yourself:
And so now, in his “honor” since he just placed 15th at the 2006 Western States 100-mile
race, we sing:
I AM THE VERY MODEL
FOR A MODERN ULTRAMARATHON
by Rich Limacher
© 1998
I am the very model for a modern ultramarathon,
I’ve prerace info vegetable and mineral glucosamon;
I’ve run the Western trails and surely had a lot of falls,
and banged on potty doors of more than several taken stalls;
I’ve coughed and sneezed and puked and died every single time I’ve
run,
but otherwise I’ve managed more consistently to have some fun,
and in everything I’ve ever done that could be called embarrasson—
I am your very model for a modern ultramarathon.
“He is your very model for a modern ultramarathon”
I’m very good with duct tape too for local foot emergencies,
Or patching up the many rips in my old pair of dungarees;
In short, in matters vegetable and mineral glucosamon,
I am the very model for your modern ultramarathon.
“In short, in matters vegetable and mineral glucosamon,
He is your very model for a modern ultramarathon.”
I know the racing record book from Klein down to Ann Trason too,
And mostly all first names of both non-finishers and those who do;
I’ve witnessed the dividing line ‘twixt those who’ll pay no trail tax,
And watched my eyes play tricks on me from monoc’d movement
parallax;
I’ve studied the advantages of electrolyte replacement drinks,
And mixed my Karl King concoctions in other runners’ kitchen sinks;
I know every fifty-mile course and every single turnaround—
And I try to run so carefully when fallen leaves are on the ground.
“He tries to run so carefully when fallen leaves are on the ground.”
I can tell with frantic look just when and where my foot should fall;
I’ve never fallen down ‘cept once or twice or maybe even not at all—
In short, in matters vegetable and mineral glucosamon,
I am the very model for your modern ultramarathon.
“In short, in matters vegetable and mineral glucosamon,
He is your very model for a modern ultramarathon.”
In fact, when I can understand what every runner’s body needs,
And how to press a tourniquet to every other part that bleeds,
And how to signal everything with cell phone down to semaphore,
Or how to make a stretcher’s use of some discarded old screen door;
Then, I know how to ascertain the driving snow from acid rain,
And tell when I hallucinate as just compared to mental pain—
In short, when I pee and you can see exactly what it is I’m on,
You’ll say a finer specimen has never ultramarathon’d.
“You’ll say a finer specimen has never ultramarathon’d.”
For my trail running knowledge, though I’m wild and adventury,
I’ve only been exposed to two runs of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable and mineral glucosamon,
I am the very model for your next ultramarathon.
“But still, in matters vegetable and mineral glucosamon,
He is the very model for your next ultramarathon.”
(This from Filbert and Minnieripperton’s proposed unfinished
swashunbuckling operetta, “The Privates of Penn’s Pants”)
:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)
Yankee Folly of the Day:
—————————————
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
[Judson Laipply demonstrates the entire evolution of dance in just six minutes]
To fully appreciate this folly,
you’ll need some video streaming and sound stuff
(no doubt most likely from Microsoft,
whose own evolution is highly suspect,
as explained above)
:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
ô ô
o
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Everytime’s Repeated Media Message:
————————————————————————————-
* * * * *
It’s no secret that one of America’s most inventive
founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real “break”
in the media by not pandering to the tastes of those old
stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with
something completely different all on his own. He published
a simple one-page annual periodical called “Poor Richard’s
Almanack” and sold it along the streets and rivers of the
colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business
for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred
seventy-odd years later, you get “Middle Income Richard’s
Third Millennium Almanack” soon to be selling along the
buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy,
especially now that it’s been miraculously, and successfully,
installed on a website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a
huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson,
owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.
* * * * *
So far, for the past umpteen issues, this e-rag’s been free.
But before the next umpteen are published, however, this
particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away,
and you’ll be asked to surrender as many as twelve U.S. dollars,
via credit card or otherwise, to the dictatorial parent company
called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.
* * * * *
In the meantime, however, please don’t take all this
technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission
and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters,
ads, “subtracts,” encouragements, detractions, and good ol’
coin o’ the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the
above-mentioned post office box; and you’re also invited to
thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR’s hosts,
the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally,
of course, Uncle Ben Franklin’s weird and most strangely
distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.
* * * * *
Oh, and keep thinking “green” to help save our environment
by promoting paperless publishing!!!
And, hey, It’s OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!
http://www.zombierunner.com/MiddleIncomeRichard/32
gggggggggggggggggggggreengggggggggggggggggggggggg
CHINESE FORTUNE, read after opening the cookie:
“You like Chinese food.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s
as good as they’re going to feel all day. ”
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( Q_Q )
*****************************************************************
[start] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * * * * *
ZombieRunners:
Hey, if you’re still runnin’…
(and ya ain’t dead yet)
…you need to do some shopping here!
[end] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * * * * *
——————————–
[start] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * * *
+ American Red Cross:
1-800-HELP-NOW
or, if lines are busy, try:
This is a serious public service. Especially in this day and age when both natural
and manmade disasters seem so prevalent. If another one happened tomorrow, for example,
would you know which number to call or what website to access?
The Family Links Registry is another one:
Call 1-877-LOVED-1S to help you locate anyone missing in a disaster area.
——————————–
Also, as always, be sure to check out Running Delights at:
http://www.runningdelights.com
…for many of your running/walking/sporting
personal and/or gift-giving needs. Like, for example,
something special for that special someone
you do (or would like to) “sport” with?
0 –
v
——————————–
Here’s one last friendly professional promotion:
If it’s custom furniture you’d like in your home or
workplace, you couldn’t do better than asking ERDMAN
WOODWORKING of Silverton, Colorado, to build it exactly to
your specifications. Write to Eric at this e-mail address:
cerdman@ekiva.net
“Tell ’em you were sent by Mid Ink Rick!”
[end] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * * *
(O-O)
~
Sign of the Times from (Sigh) of the Department of Bumper Stuckers:
_________________________________
| |
| Your computer crashed? |
| Hire a kid! |
|________________________________|
_____________________________________________________
C. Ceasonal Poetry:
I LIKED THE DAUGHTER ON THE TEETER-TOTTER
By C. C. Writers
© 1996
I went to the playground to play in the water.
Mom said, “Take sis,” so of course I just brought her.
And now you may say whatever you “oughter,”
But I liked the daughter on the teeter-totter.
She seemed fearless, she did, as aboard it she slid,
And begged us come over, which some of us did.
Lil’ sister was first there an’ for that vacancy bid,
But I was the “shy guy,” so I just stay hid.
A big man was there too, who she never called “mister,”
Which is why I could figure she wasn’t his sister.
He hung on and urged her to not get a blister.
(If I hadn’t brought Millie, I’d surely have missed her.)
She wasn’t like me, she was a real go-getter.
She hollered at Millie and my sister just let her.
She jumped off that ground like legs in a sweater,
And the man stood beside her and jumped even better.
He called her “Sweet Bess” whenever he sought her.
(That’s why I knew that she must be his daughter.)
And maybe a little shy boy shouldn’t have oughter,
But I sure liked his daughter on that teeter-totter!
_____________________________________________________
_ _
QQ
–
VERTICAL CARTOON
Examining the hidden ever-descending lower depths of “The Da Vinci Code”
First, you have a murder mystery.
\ | | \ / | / | /
< Ka-BOOM!!!!! >
/ / | / | \ | \ \
______
___|=====|
( \==/ )
/—–\
=================/\\\\ _______
\___|_|_|__ (_______(
\ ) /
Some old guy’s lyin’ dead on the art museum floor.
_
\ |
\ |
>=======ô
/ |
/_ |
Who’s the guy?
He’s got really, like, WEIRD scratches all over his corpse, like, in blood.
Whose blood?
What language is the scratching in?
Who gives a rip?
[What self-respecting art museum would allow some freaky movie company to come in
and smear fake blood all over its floor in the first place?]
The murderer turns out to be a monk. A really, like, WEIRD monk.
=====
/ o o \
( — )
_/ \__
/ \
| |
| |
Why?
‘Cuz he strips naked and whips himself, that’s why. Kinda like doin’ penance for
murdering ancient dudes in art museums.
Turns out the ancient sucker scratched his own naked skin with all the excess blood
draining out of his own carcass. The weird ancient language is some kinda password
to his safety deposit box down at the bank.
It’s some kinda strange high-tech bank. Is it London? Is it France? Hey! The dead
guy’s got no underpants.
We move right along. The ladycop hauls the Indiana Jones-like professor type guy
out of the classroom to translate the bloody mysterious language. Indiana Jones
himself has a bank vault. That’s how he recognizes, yes, “the code.”
Inside the bank box is a weird kinda Rubik’s Cube.
#################################
See Rubik’s Cube:
http://www.rubiks.com/cube_online.html
#################################
Inside the Rubik’s Cube is, we’re told, this glass–which amazingly hasn’t broken
in two millennia, despite constant careless moves across Europe by witless packers,
ignorant truck drivers, and who-knows-what kind of storage facilities in the meantime,
like bank vaults. If you discover THIS “code” and open the Rubik’s Cube, you get
to have the map inside without breaking the glass and spilling the vinegar and ruining
the map. Right. This stuff is two thousand years old, remember. Last year’s Pepsi
has solidified inside the glass bottles in my fridge, and you’re tellin’ me this
prehistoric vinegar is still liquid.
|——<
`
`
`
~~~~~
So, OK, going deeper… the weird Nazi monk killed the old code guy, probably to
get the Rubik’s Cube which he didn’t get, ‘cuz Ladycop and Indiana Jones got it first.
Turns out, the dead guy on the floor is Ladycop’s grandpop. He raised her to be
a halfway nonpromiscuous Catholic chick who could care less. But grandpop’s hiding
something. Yes, beside “the code,” he’s the heap huge keeper of THE BIG SECRET.
What’s the secret?
Are you ready for this?
______
|=====|__
( \==/ )
/—–\
Jesus H. Christ actually wasn’t a 30-something virgin bachelor dude after all. No,
he got himself hitched. Guess who to? Mary Magdelene, our way-fave Roman bawdy
house whore. Wait, there’s more.
SHE n’ good ol’ Jeeze fooled around at night–plenty–at the back of the carpenter’s
shack. And, whammo: The not-so-immaculate conception. The newlywed Christs had
a kid.
WAAAAAAH!!!!
/
/
/
( x x )
0
[An aside: There’s this comedian out there who likes to joke about what it would be
like to be Jesus’s brother, say, Steve Christ. Well, this goofy movie takes it a
step further and asks what it would be like to be Christ’s kid. For one thing, you’d
be a big hit at wine parties.]
And still this slick flick wicks thicker:
The Way-Poobah Keepers of THE SECRET are collectively called (drum roll please) The
Priory of Sion. Right. A “priory” is basically like a convent. So what’s an ancient
male grandpa doin’ in a convent? Further: He’s the boss of the convent!
=====
/ 00 \
| |
| |
/ \
| |
| |
The Anti-Poobah Persecutors of The Heap Secret-Keepers are collectively called “Opus
Dei” (God’s Work) [and what a fine job he did on these guys, too; they’re every bit
as whacky as the heap secret-keepers]. So, like, the self-whipping monk boy is just
carrying out orders of the Opus puss people. And these are the supposedly “good
guys” that whackos like popes and cardinals pay hard money to, to keep the Secret-Keepers
from EVER… yes… REVEALING “THE TRUTH”… you know, that Mr. and Mrs. Christ
headed up some kinda wine-tasting family tree.
\ \ / /
\ /
\ | /
= =
\ \ \ /
\ /
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
Keep the Mormons busy. There’s even more thicker, wider, and deeper geneology here.
So, the Indiana Jones professor-dude guy has a great uncle-kinda guy who Indiana’s
always thought stayed the hell on Illinois’s side of the line. That is, Jones always
figured uncle’s been cool with the fax, Jack, so, if anything, Unc’s on the side
of the straight and narrow.
______
|=====|__
( \==/ )
/—–\
Probe deeper now: Unc now comes across as BELIEVING in the Priory! He goes, “Hells
bells, Indiana! Didn’t ya always just KNOW?”
Well, no. Indiana didn’t and neither did ladylove Ladycop. This is, like, waaaaaay
news to them!
Bingo-bango-bongo. Hocus-pocus-focus. Kyrie eleison, drink the wine and chew the
wafer, and try not to spit in the chalice as it’s passed around the seance.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Turns out, Unc’s a traitor. Unc’s actually on the Opus Dei side of things. He’s
“the monk behind the monks” that hire weird self-flagellating monks to kill people
in the first place. Especially gramps. Especially gramps with Ladycop grandchildren
who…………….
………whoa……………
….you are NOT ready for this……………….
( O_O )
….It turns out that Ladycop is THE LAST LIVING DESCENDANT OF THE HAPPY CHRISTS!!!
Hey! Check out the Priory/Convent’s basement “vault” [which was, amazingly and apparently,
only just now discovered by “solving” the riddle of the Rubik’s Cube, which Indiana
Dude amazingly did, which saved the vinegar from spilling all over the map, which
then unfolded to reveal the “secret” vault, outside of which, at the end of the movie,
the entire priory-full of people is shown as having already BEEN there].
How’d *they* find it without the map?
We don’t know!
We don’t care!
…anyway, the basement is chock full of wrinkled old geneology junk, dating back
to the (yeah maybe) original marriage certificate of one Cheezesiss H. Cryminnie
and his way-bad bride Maggie, the supper wench.
Humpity-humpity-hump-hump-hump.
Couple, maybe two, whole thousand years later, and The Heap Secret’s been kept so
damn secret that even those most affected don’t know. Ladycop is clueless and Indiana
Jones is left gawking inside Paris buildings and wondering how far down under the
foundation Mary Magdelene’s bones are buried. Right. In France. Where Da Vinci
himself no doubt worked on all those art works.
Who?
Da Vinci.
Remember this is a movie about his code. His, uh, “secret code.” The one on the
map inside the Rubik’s Cube. The one that, we guess, showed the map of the family
tree leading all the way back to Cheeseziss Aitch Key-ryste who, by the way, was
prominently featured in one of those art works: Da Vinci’s “Last Supper.” Right.
And not a wine glass on the table! [Thank you, Unc, for pointing that out to Indiana
and all points west.]
But!!!!
And you thought all these years that THAT was “John” painted right next to the wineless
banquet host and your-mine-and-our lord Mr. Honeymooner? No! That was the androgynous
“John-impersonator,” otherwise known as Mary Magdelene and/or Mrs. Christ.
The “Last Supper,” ya see, was most likely their wedding reception, and Da Vinci,
who was so darn old he was probably an eyewitness, drew it all down, put it in a
safety deposit box, and entrusted the key to the Priory of Sion.
Comon.
Yooooooooooooooooourinagoddabekiddingme Da Vida!
This goofy stuff’s so malarky it’s comical.
Hey, if ANY of this was ever true, then there wouldn’t be ONE descendant of the Happy
Honeymooners, there’d be a whole continent full. Hey, didn’t we ALL descend from
Adam and Eve? Cripes! We’re at six billion and counting!
But mostly what I wanna know is: Was Pontius Pilate the groom’s “best man” and who
gave away the bride?
[I think I just gave away the ending,
but
who gives a rip?]
:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)
_ _
QQ
–
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
And speaking of Rubik’s and other fairly famous Rube Goldberg type puzzles, just click
on this once why dontcha?
http://www.steelcitysfinest.com/HondaAccordAd.htm
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Yesterday’s Feedback:
[start] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *
M. I. Richard:
Brilliant merger!!
Lisa Bliss
Spokane, WA
via e-mail
[Editor’s note: Lisa is referring to the joining or combining of Mid Inc Rick’s with
the ZombieRunner’s website.]
—————–
M. I. Richard:
In answer to your query (below halloween costumes) [see MIRTMA No. 31], no, a limo
ain’t the same as a hearse. A limo generally will convey multiple people in comfort
and with libations. A hearse will generally convey one rear compartment occupant,
in comfort, but without libations. Yes, you can put in multiple people, who sit
cross-legged and pass around bottles of Absolut & Jack Daniels and single malts,
and perhaps after enough bottle-passing they will find comfort but will then ask
to leave for a comfort station. The occupant in the back of the hearse, however,
never asks to visit a comfort station.
A limo has fixed glass sides, and a rear side door. A hearse has a rear door, and
front access doors to help push the passenger out to final rest.
As a man who owns one, a hearse is not a limo–although, curiously, my hearse has
child safety windows on the rear side doors.
Dick Macknick
Homer Township, IL
via e-mail
[Editor’s note: The man speaks truth! We have, in fact, witnessed the fact
that, yes, Mr. Macknick is the proud owner of one used–but still in pretty good
shape–hearse, formerly belonging to a funeral parlor, which he now uses, apparently,
as his second “family car.”]
—————–
M. I. Richard:
Kudos aplenty for taking MIRTMA to the Web! Blogs we got; e-Zines we
NEED!!!!
Yer great-great-great-great-great-pretty good-great-great-great uncle Ben
would be proud, were he not already spinnin’ in his grave over the current
state o’ our yoonyuhn.
So now that you’re a full-fledged e-publisher, you gonna give up your day
job? If so, send it to me!
I plan to send all my friends and appurtenances your new URL, Earl.
Boy Howdy! Gotta get me summa that!
Greasy Dan Hefner,
Idol of Millions
Friend to None
(a.k.a. Tim Huddleston)
Charlotte, NC
via e-mail
—————–
M. I. Richard:
Please remove me from your list. This is the 2nd time I
have had to ask this.
Name withheld
via e-mail
[Editor’s note: Isn’t it sweet of this relentlessly O-C personage to seek so dutifully
to remind us twice: “THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I HAVE DEMANDED THAT YOU STOP, CEASE,
AND DESIST TRANSMITTING EVEN THE SMALLEST BYTE OF ELECTRONIC MICROSCOPIC IMPULSE
INTO MY BEAUTIFUL AND ALL-PRECIOUS INBOX. NEXT TIME YOU SHALL HEAR FROM MY ATTORNEY!”
“Gosh, sir or madam,” we wanna say, “We are so sorry if we’ve upset your
morning. Truly we are. And gosh, to think you must take the time to send such replies
to the tens of thousands of daily messages you most likely, if you have a computer
and a hookup like the rest of us, fall victim to every single day. Gosh, the horrors
you must experience. And look how we’ve contributed to your pain! We’re sorry.
We can only imagine what REAL terrors and attacks on your personal space and general
well-being you must be traumatized by with every
trip you make to the front porch to retrieve your (other) mail. All those Wal*Mart
ads! All this ‘YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON’ and ‘for a limited time only’ and ‘Sir
or madam, we’ve been trying to contact you….’ Golly, you must feel terrible every
single day of your life! And here we are seeming to contribute so infrequently to
that ever-mounting totally cataclysmic CONSTANT misery!!! Don’t worry, we are now–immediately,
if not sooner–going to plunge into our hard drive and purge our mailing lists and
restore your safety! Thank you for giving us this opportunity to help in some small
way to enable yourself to have a happier day.”
And…
…no sooner did we write this, than our total hard drive suddenly crashed.]
[end] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
So, like, if all the old silver miners in Silverton
had to dig through a LOT of unfeeling rock and
slime to find the silver, what do coal miners find?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
**********************************************************************************************
AND OUR WINNER IS
“Michael Bur”
His was the first e-mailed entry to solve last issue’s “Photo Quiz” [to identify the
person depicted on the U.S. $10,000 bill] as follows:
Subject: 10,000 Re: Middle Income Richard’s No. 31
Date: Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:52 PM
So here’s your quiz: Be the first to identify
exactly who the “dead president” is on this currency
(i.e., first name, last name, what office he held, and
when) and win*!!!
$10,000 Bill: Salmon P. Chase – He was Sec. of Treas.
“back in the day” during the Civil War under Lincoln (you
can just make out “Chase” in the image you have)
———
And, of course, Mike wins a huge prize consisting of a grand total of nothing.
———
2nd Place was
“Christopher Murphy”
With his e-mailed entry of
Subject: 10,000 bill
Date: Saturday, April 01, 2006 4:28 PM
No president
Salmon P. Chase
Senator from Ohio 1849-1855
Governor of Ohio 1856-1860
U.S. Treasury Secretary under president Lincoln 1861 to 1864
Chief Justice of the United States 12/15/1864 – 5/7/1873
———
But of course he wins the same prize as Mike, which is even less than the paper that
10-grand bill was printed on (i.e., nothing).
———
But hey, guys! Thanks for playing!
No quiz this time, due to computer catastrophes, but maybe next time, huh? Maybe
we’ll even offer a prize: a U.S. currency-sized piece of green paper for you to
print your own money on, just like our government does.
*****************************************************************
But, finally, speaking of “our government”…
This, as hyperlinked below, is very,
VERY deathly serious.
If true, it calls into question EVERYTHING our government has been telling us it stands
for.
If true, our government is guilty of lying to all of us on so vast a scale as to warrant
total and immediate revolution.
No judgments or opinions at this time, but please, you owe it to yourself to look:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8260059923762628848
You can also find this video, per the website:
http://www.loosechange911.com/
These are somber and lengthy, but any citizen of a country whose government is anything
other than honest with its people owes it to one’s self and posterity to view these
images and seriously study their referenced information.
Time may very well be of the essence here, however much of it we all have left.
__________________________________________________
This now, linked below, is the short video clip recorded by security cameras across
the heliport field from where that supposed American Airlines Flight 77 slammed into
the Pentagon on September 11, 2001.
This video was aired on national news after being released by the federal government
on May 16, 2006.
View this carefully. It is referenced in the above-cited full-length “loose change
911” video. See if you can see a big airplane crashing into the Pentagon:
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=d2505c33-23c5-447a-850a-812cf8a75768&f=06/64&fg=copy
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
[Middle Income Richard’s will return
at some as yet unimaginable, improbable, and
similarly near-disastrous opportunity in the future]
Rich Limacher © 2021 | All Rights Reserved
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