I Am The Very Model For A Modern Ultramarathon

And now, it’s time for some small levity. Some song perhaps. Perhaps now in dubious honor of one Dean Karnazes, a guy featured on CBS’s 60 Minutes for such feats as: running 300 miles, pounding the pavement all night long, and ordering pizza on-the-run on his cell phone to be delivered to such-and-such intersection at such-and-such time, payable by credit card to the driver. Believe it or not, there are in fact organized running events longer than your usual 26.2-mile marathon. In fact, thousands of runners do them—not just Dean!

 

SONG–ULTRA-MARATHON

© by Rich Limacher

I am the very model for a modern ultramarathon,
I’ve race pack info vegetable and mineral Citronathon;
I’ve run the Western trails and surely had a lot of falls,
and banged on potty doors of more than several taken stalls;
I’ve coughed and sneezed and puked and died every single time I’ve
run,
but otherwise I’ve managed more consistently to have some fun,
and in everything I’ve ever done that could be called embarrasson—
I am your very model for a modern ultramarathon.

“He is your very model for a modern ultramarathon”

I’m very good with duct tape too for local foot emergencies,
Or patching up the many rips in my old pair of dungarees;
In short, in matters vegetable and mineral Citronathon,
I am the very model for your modern ultramarathon.

“In short, in matters vegetable and mineral Citronathon,
He is your very model for a modern ultramarathon.”

I know the racing record book from Klein down to Ann Trason too,
And mostly all first names of both non-finishers and those who do;
I’ve witnessed the dividing line ‘twixt those who’ll pay no trail tax,
And watched my eyes play tricks on me from monoc’d movement
parallax;
I’ve studied the advantages of electrolyte replacement drinks,
And mixed my Karl King concoctions in other runners’ kitchen sinks;
I know every fifty-mile course and every single turnaround—
And I try to run so carefully when fallen leaves are on the ground.

“He tries to run so carefully when fallen leaves are on the ground.”

I can tell with frantic look just when and where my foot should fall;
I’ve never fallen down ‘cept once or twice or maybe even not at all—
In short, in matters vegetable and mineral Citronathon,
I am the very model for your modern ultramarathon.

“In short, in matters vegetable and mineral Citronathon,
He is your very model for a modern ultramarathon.”

In fact, when I can understand what every runner’s body needs,
And how to press a tourniquet to every other part that bleeds,
And how to signal everything with cell phone down to semaphore,
Or how to make a stretcher’s use of some discarded old screen door;
Then, I know how to ascertain the driving snow from acid rain,
And tell when I hallucinate as just compared to mental pain—
In short, when I pee and you can see exactly what it is I’m on,
You’ll say a finer specimen has never ultramarathon’d.

“You’ll say a finer specimen has never ultramarathon’d.”

For my trail running knowledge, though I’m wild and adventury,
I’ve only been exposed to two runs of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable and mineral Citronathon,
I am the very model for your next ultramarathon.

“But still, in matters vegetable and mineral Citronathon,
He is the very model for your next ultramarathon.”

 

(That, from Filbert and Minnieripperton’s proposed unfinished swashunbuckling opera, “The Privates of Penn’s Pants”)

 

________________________

 

(OK, here’s my footnote for those of you who never heard of Gilbert & Sullivan nor of their classic operetta, “The Pirates of Penzance” 🙂

 

SONG–MAJOR-GENERAL

GEN. I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’news–
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

ALL. “With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.”

GEN. I’m very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL. “In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.”

GEN. I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s,
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous.
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes,
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

ALL. “And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.”

GEN. Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL. “In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.”

GEN. In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin,”
When I can tell at sight a chassepot rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “commissariat,”
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery:
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy,
You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee-

ALL. “You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee-”

GEN. For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL. “But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.”

GEN. And now that I’ve introduced myself I should like to have some idea
of what’s going on.

 

…and so would I!

