Middle Income Richard’s Third Millennium Almanack, No. 12

MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD’S
Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
An e-zine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
———————————————
Number 12, Latest August, 2002
In the 2nd year of the 21st century
© 2002 Rich Limacher
———————————————

So, what do ya think? Osama bin Laden’s gonna show
his ugly face again in about eleven days?

———————————————

Editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else to:
TheTroubadour@prodigy.net

——————————–
This e-zine is all about:
*our* future.
——————————–

Chair of Contents:

r
e
g
u
l
a
rare-wisdom-and-fluff Happy
f e Labor
e v e r y t h i n g – e l s e Day!
a d feetures:
t b p on scrolli
u a e n
r c e o
e k k n
p s page numbers are no longer necessary
————————————————————
(because everything is all on one page)
————————————————————

Here’s something else that needs discovering:
The next planned terrorist attack (beforehand).

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

( Q_Q )

E-Mail To The Galaxy

by

C. C. Writers

—– Original message —–

From: Captain Carl Writers (ccwriters2102@earth.globe)
To: Known Universe (any.being@any.where.univ)
Sent: Saturday, August 31, 2102 7:58 PM
Subject: Fate of Earth

Attachments: All Known Phonetic Transcriptions,
Translations, and Transliterations

I am emitting this universally. Please answer if you
receive it. I am directing this message on a radio
hyperfrequency outbound from computer HPX aboard the
intragalactic probeship UFAS Albert Einstein. I am part of
a human transport which was the last to leave our planet,
which has been for some time totally uninhabitable by human
beings. I am the cybernavigator among our crew of seven
still cognizant. We have reason to believe ours is the last
ship in this galaxy that yet sustains human life.

This is what happened to our planet. In the year 2010,
humans discovered that global contamination of their planet,
called Earth, was irreversible. Much of this contamination
consisted of, among other things, what we call carbon
monoxide which was a byproduct of overusing engines
operating on fuels refined from fossilized sources such as
petroleum. Even though the heaviest user of such fuel at
that time, the United States of America, immediately banned
all further consumption of fossil fuels, most other
countries around the planet did not.

The result was excessive outpouring into the atmosphere of
gasses which are poisonous to human beings. In addition,
such excess of noxious gasses did further damage to the
protective ozone layer of Earth’s atmosphere, rapidly
thinning the layer and opening ever larger gaps which then
admitted harmful rays from the suns of the galaxy. The
final poisoning occurred within the planet’s topsoil. Too
many years of agriculture dependent upon chemicals had
caused noxious leeching into the water tables from which the
population drank. This was found to be the root cause of
cancer, an incurable plague upon human and, later, animal
life which first became deadly during the twentieth century.

Rather than begin space exploration on a grand scale,
thereby seeking to discover another planet onto which the
human race might be moved, the political leaders of that
United States of America sought a more immediate “cure” to
the main carbon monoxide problem by waging war upon those
other countries that were still consuming fossil fuels and
contaminating the atmosphere.

In this, the U.S.A. severely overestimated its ability to
dominate and take control of the planet, and many other
countries in desperation counterattacked with weapons of
mass destruction, only a few of which were successfully
destroyed before reaching their targets. The resulting
radioactivity and biological contamination further
suffocated Earth’s population until all warring factions
agreed to stop fighting and deploy no more massively
destructive weapons of any kind.

That “agreement” led to the disposal of the United States of
America in favor of a combined political entity consisting
of North America, Europe, and Asia–thenceforth called the
United Federation of Ameurasia. This Federation then
attempted to take control over the remaining continents of
Earth: South America, Africa, Australia, Antarctica, and all
planetary islands still above sealevel. Such control was
only marginally successful, since most survival methods for
all these substandard locales involved burning the same
fossil fuels that started global contamination in the first
place.

By the year 2085, the UFA realized that the planet could no
longer be saved and sought instead to launch a massive
program of outerspace exploration. Since then, however, all
probing ships dispatched throughout the galaxy have been
lost and their occupants presumed dead. This ship, the one
I now inhabit, is the last known survivor.

We have not been able to reestablish communication with
Earth and presume all remaining inhabitants there have
perished also. We do know that earlier in 2102 the cloud
volume of noxious gasses surrounding the planet reached such
density that very little light could pass through, except
when high velocity surface winds forced breaks. Earth began
to resemble its neighbor Venus. Our measurements indicated
a surface temperature of nearly 200 degrees, or almost the
boiling point of water, which at the time of our departure
covered 4/5ths of the globe. We seriously doubt that anyone
human could still be alive there.

Furthermore, of the 2,600 humans here aboard the UFAS
Einstein, there are now just 28 of us still living, of whom
21 are kept frozen on a rotating basis. All others who were
cryogenically frozen before departure perished when our
systems failed. Among us who remain, none are female.
Hence, the urgency of this message.

Unless you are able to respond and have beings capable of
bearing live human young, our kind will perish from this
universe.

—– End message —–

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Richard’s commentary on Clavius, first human colony on the
moon in the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey”:

So, like, where is it?

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Ever wonder why Mars is parched and dry while Venus is
cloudy, mysterious, and windy as hell?

Men are from Mars;
Women are from Venus.

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Today’s Useful Internet Link:

If it’s fire you like, or like to avoid, check out:

http://www.nifc.gov/

It’s the National Interagency Fire Center, hq’d at Boise,
Idaho. This site is full of maps and info relative to this
year’s forest fires (and most other ones) that ravaged
Colorado and Arizona and many other states in our
“Wild Wild(fire) West.”

All the info is updated just about daily, and it has tons of
useful links to other agencies of government as well. Click
on “FirstGov.”

This just in: According to the “Wildland Fire Assessment
Report for the Western United States,” “Approximately 50% of
the nation is classified under moderate long-term drought or
worse as of late June 2002. This is the most area under
long-term drought since 1957.” (When M.I. Richard’s
friend’s daddy bought a new Chevy, which overheated on its
maiden voyage and had to sit for a long, long time–with
Richard still in it–‘cuz there was no more water–‘cuz Rich
wouldn’t fetch it–for the radiator–‘cuz of the drought.)

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Yankee Folly of the Day:

There’s two cars for every adult in the U.S.A. And during
rush hour they’re ALL being used.

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Yesterday’s Feedback:
——————————–

[start] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *

[Editor’s note: Quite a lot of feedback on the Ted Nugent
(possibly George Carlin) diatribe on being “a bad American”
and, naturally, M.I.R.’s “rejoinder.” Here’s the quickest
and shortest :]

Dear Richard:

Attention!

We’re gonna have to return the “Best of Ted Nugent” CD and
the concert videos we got for M.I.R.’s birthday. Let’s
rethink this. I’m guessing NSYNC?

Harvey Shifrin
Arlington Heights, IL
via e-mail

[Editor’s note: Thanks, but I’ll pass on any latest
non-syncopated best-of compact disk recordings from all
disheveled misspelled half-dressed grunge-baby teeny-bop
bands as well. Uh, yeah. Here’s the longest e-mail sent
from farthest away :]

————–

Dear Richard:

It seems to me there are a few points which demand some
comment … all these seem to come down to a belief in
black-and-white judgements, refusing to accept shades of
grey.

> “I know what sex is and there are not varying degrees of
> it.

This is a truly simple-minded assertion! I can easily
demonstrate that it is untrue, if you care to provide a
helpful female … in fact I seem to remember that Clinton
already demonstrated that he didn’t even need physical
contact.

> “I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake,
> a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English.
> As a matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you
> should speak English.

There is no law requiring the use of English language in the
USA. I understand there is an organisation which is trying
to enact such a law, but they are running out of time before
there are more Spanish speakers than English. Eventually the
official language of the USA could be Spanish — so maybe it
is wise to leave it that you can speak what you like. If the
law did require “English” then would my UK English count? We
have plenty of normal words you might not understand, and
lots more dialect words which I can guarantee you wouldn’t
understand. I am sure you could find more than a few pairs
of Americans who would have to speak slowly to understand
each other. Who is going to enforce the law?

> “I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry
> butt if you’re running from them after they tell you to
> stop. If you can’t understand the word ‘freeze’ or ‘stop’
> in English, see the previous line.

There have been instances in the UK when (for example) a
soldier was prosecuted and jailed for firing at a car
evading a roadblock, and I was on the side of that soldier.
(Well, who designed the roadblock so a car could go through
without stopping, and then gave him a loaded gun?) But it
is hard to draw a line. What will you say when you are
innocent and don’t have the time to spend being
interrogated, or the confidence that your policeman is
honest?

> “I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he
> made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then
> invent the next operating system that’s better and put
> your name on the building.

If Bill Gates sold an operating system which was actually
“better” I might not have a problem with him. When he
manipulates the market into buying a system which is
actually worse, I find him guilty of monopoly and bullying.
If Bill Gates is only an example, then did the people in
charge of Enron have every right to keep every penny they
made?

regards,

Rod Dalitz
Edinburgh, Scotland
via e-mail

[Editor’s note: Thanks, Rod, for arguing with Ted (I hope)
and not with me! Okay, so here’s the last e-mail on this
particular subject :]

————–

Dear Richard:

> *A slightly different version of this has also
> been circulated, attributed to George Carlin.

Definitely NOT George, although I see where some
lower forms of life might get them confused since
it’s written in the same “tone” George uses.
However, there are big differences:

Carlin likes animals and doesn’t care for people.
He said he’d help an animal first before he’d
help a baby. (I can relate.) I can’t see George
advocating shooting squirrels.

George loves to watch people destroy themselves.

There’s always some humor in what George has to
say, along with the truth. The bit you posted was
humorless, angry spewing.

Just goes to show you, ya can’t believe
everything you read on the Internet. In fact, Ted
Nugent might not have even been the original
author.

Take care!

Geri Kilgariff
Phoenix, AZ
via e-mail
who then later added:

But you know, I seriously doubt Ted wrote (said)
that whole thing. Things circulated on the
Internet tend to be edited and, more often,
fabricated. Just look at that piece. It’s
attributed to both Nugent and George Carlin. Most
likely, some unknown wrote it just to piss people
off.

[Editor’s note: I agree! I’m guessing, since Ted never
bothered to sue and/or hunt me down and shoot me, that most
likely neither one of these guys wrote this… and could
probably care less. It’s more likely that Ted flipped off
some droog on a talk show, maybe, spouted a few choice
(bleeped) blurbs at the stooge, and then some other dufus
(who also hates stooges) banged all this out overnight in
some “chat room”… and then the hacks got hold of it…
like me!]

[Editor’s added note: But look what she also wrote about
“bin Laden”!!]

Dear Richard:

> By the way, I have a question:
> Where IS Osama bin Laden?

You can bet he’ll never be caught during Dubya’s
term. They DON’T want to find him.

Geri Kilgariff
Phoenix, AZ
via (the same) e-mail

[Editor’s reaction :]

( O_O )

[Editor’s almost-final note: So far, Geri, I guess, you’re
right! So this, uh, keeping on keepin’ on huntin’ him
down… is good for the economy? Like LBJ used to do with
Vietnam?]

[Editor’s final note: If this is true, I will be sick.]

[end] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *

Vertical Cartoon:

U.S. Interstate-80 Very Soon
(viewed from the satellite)

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No one’s getting off.
Only room for one more getting on.
(Total Gridlock)

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Just imagine knight driving in the Middle Ages!

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Don’t worry. The nuts behind the wheel will again be
replaced by the sores upon the saddle.*

*Except the saddle won’t be leather and the beast won’t be a
horse.

@~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@

The Future of Art
By M. I. Richard

The other night, public television aired an interview with a
modern-day sculptor named Richard Serra. Actually, it was
“The Charlie Rose Show” and Charlie was at his usual probing
and incisive best asking, for example, what this particular
New York sculptor was doing last September 11th. Being just
as horrified, it turns out, as the rest of us.

But that really wasn’t what this program was about. No, it
was about art. Perhaps about sculpture in particular but
also about the global activity in general. One of Serra’s
most telling definitions of art was, surprisingly, “it’s
completely useless.”

He did not mean this in the sense that art is like a
“nothing” upon a planet full of “somethings.” No, he meant
that, whereas most of the man-made somethings on this earth
have some practical use, you can’t *use* art for a gosh darn
thing. It has no utilitarian function. You can’t live in
it, plow a field with it, or use it to open a beer bottle.
The only thing you can do is appreciate it. Which, of
course, most people don’t.

(I’m guessing if you’re not an art appreciator, you’re no
longer reading this either.)

Therefore, according to Serra, architecture AIN’T art.
Sculpture is art. Architecture, he said, “has plumbing.”
It’s got a use. It’s for people to live in or work in or
play in and often go to the bathroom in. But it’s not
sculpture because sculpture has no use.

And yet, he and Charlie acknowledged something very
significant about sculpture: it’s been taken off the
pedestal. For centuries sculpture existed almost
exclusively as a kind of three-dimensional painting which
sat, not in a frame but on a post. It was usually some
lifelike carving of somebody naked, or something, at which
about all you could ever do was gawk… or on which
sometimes stick some leaves.

But then some artists, definitely marching to the beat of a
different drummer (as Henry David Thoreau once said),
started making really big and awkward and abstract and
definitely *weird* kinda stuff–as did, for example, Pablo
Picasso–and suddenly you as art appreciator could also do
weird stuff which you couldn’t before–like, for example,
climb.

So now you have gigantic weird things, commissioned by
governments and other august organizations, which sculptors
install in civic plazas that all the kids can play on.

And this is modern art.

And still nobody appreciates it.

Ah–and Middle Income Richard himself confesses–I didn’t
either.

Until High Income Richard Serra straightened me out on a few
things. For example, he’s like one of us. He started out
as a blue-collar working stiff just like I did. He worked
in a steel mill. He went to school. He studied math and
science. And presto!

His sculptures are steel. They’re huge. They fill up
plazas, they’re commissioned by governments, they take years
to build, and he’s pretty well paid.

But…

…they nearly always make mathematical sense. They’re
geometrical or topological shapes. They’re ellipses and
invexes and convexes and rhomboids and trapezoids and
deltoids. (They require big shoulders to lift them.) They
fit together and they come apart. The one piece is
perpendicular to the other piece. The one is a vertical
expression of a horizontal figure impossibly balanced at a
90-degree angle. And you can climb on it. And… most
importantly… walk through it.

And NOW SUDDENLY, guess what? The subject of this art is no
longer even the art! The subject is *you*.

You walk through the mathematical maze, for instance, of
single-plate steel towering over you and squeezing you in.
How do you feel? How do you react? What is this doing to
you? How do you find your way out?

It’s absolutely amazing! Not only has Mr. Serra redefined
steel; he’s changed sculpture! And, in the process, he’s
flung open the floodgates for altering ALL art always, for
all future time!

Okay. So he sculpts sculpture and puts you in it. Right
inside! His subject is not the sculpture, it’s you! It’s
you reacting to the space that the art places you in. So,
the sculptor is subjectifying you! YOU are the object on
(or under or between or beside) the pedestal, and it’s the
sculpture that’s gawking back at you!

Okay, so now we can take this even further. Think music.
Think about music becoming (actually becoming now) that
THING that you DO when you hear it. Tap your shoes? Snap
your fingers? Sway your hips? Clap your hands? Ah, well,
you do this already, eh? But right now the subject is what
you’re listening to, not what you yourself are doing.

In the future, if Richard Serra’s vision takes hold, *your*
music won’t be recorded. Your music will be you… jumpin’
an’ jivin’ an’ carryin’ on. Then maybe THAT will be
recorded!

Painting? Hey, something like a painting causing YOU to be
or do in certain ways is already being done! At the Museum
of Science & Industry in Chicago there is (or was) an
exhibit of more-or-less pop-up paintings in a series mounted
along the wall which, believe me, actually made you do
stuff. Like, for example, walk past it with your head
cocked in amazement. Because as you walked, quite
literally, you watched the painting “move.” And it moved
differently as you moved differently. Things would rise,
fall, open, close, get bigger, smaller, disappear, reappear,
and so on. Maybe what the artist was doing here was
projecting optical illusions, I’m not sure. But there were
many different “illusions” and they never moved a twitch!
But you did!

And literature? Hah! That’s the easiest art of all to get
people to do stuff. Always has been! Thomas Paine, for
example, got ’em to rebel against the British and fight that
entire war for American independence–all via simple little
pamphlet called “Common Sense.” Look what Martin Luther did
by nailing his art on that cathedral door! Heck, take it
back to Moses! Didn’t he write the Torah? All throughout
human history the best of literature has nearly always
caused a great big ruckus.

And what you’ve been reading so far?

Are you kidding?

My stuff’s caused you to hit “DELETE” long before now!!!

( O_O )

So, like, if this “art” is gonna change in the future…
you’re just gonna have to keep on scrolling.

O O
V

@~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@ @~@

The root word of literature is litter.

[start] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * * *

Be sure to check out Running Delights at

http://www.runningdelights.com

…for all (or most) of your running/walking/sporting
personal and/or gift-giving needs. They sell, for example,
an absolutely wonderful T-shirt type of thing called a
“Trail Shirt.” You can’t soak it with your perspiration
because it wicks it all away from you and into the
atmosphere even while you exercise. Oh yes, and Misty
Delights and Larry the Legend are great folks to do business
with. So, you know, buy somethin’! And tell ’em “The
Troubadour” sent ya.)

——————————–

Here’s one more friendly professional promotion:

If it’s custom furniture you’d like in your home or
workplace, you couldn’t do better than asking ERDMAN
WOODWORKING of Silverton, Colorado, to build it exactly to
your specifications. Write to Eric at

cerdman@frontier.net

[end] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * * *

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[start] * * * * * * Paid Advertisements * * * * * * *

*************************************************
Well, I’m fresh out. But it’s okay to buy one!

*************************************************

[end] * * * * * * Paid Advertisements * * * * * * *

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

( Q_Q )

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Help Wanted: Desperately seeking someone, anyone, who
speaks Arabic and/or Farsi or Dari. No Aston Martin
w/ejection seat required or necessary. Will train.
Turbans, deep cover, Palm Pilots with language dictionary
software provided. Apply in person. Do NOT mail anything.
Central Intelligence Agency Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

[This non-paid advertisement provided as an intelligence
community service. Middle Income Richard intends to
continue providing this service from now on, or until
intelligence is detected in the community.]

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Richard’s Profoundly Mysterious Interrogatory of the Day:

What’s the easiest and quickest way to unite the entire Arab
world against the U.S.A. and start World War III in the
process?

———————

And [because this doesn’t come out often enough to expect
you to wait till the next issue] Richard’s Answer:

Attack Iraq without provocation.

———————————————

If this country is seriously thinking of attacking Iraq
without provocation, this country oughta be shot.

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Eachtime’s Repeated Media Message:

It’s no secret that one of our most memorable ancestors, Ben
Franklin, got his first real “break” in the media by giving
up trying to pander to the tastes of the more traditional
publishers of his time–and just inventing that “break” on
his own. He published a simple one-page periodical called
“Poor Richard’s Almanack” and sold it along the streets and
rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived
as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some
two-hundred and sixty-nine years later, you get “Middle
Income Richard’s 3rd Millennium Almanack” selling along the
buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy.

At least, that’s the plan.

For the moment, of course, this is free. That is, unless
you suddenly develop pangs of conscience, and for that you
might find immediate relief by snail-mailing a Yankee
greenback to Ben’s most dubious distant cousin: C. C.
Writers at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, Illinois 60443 USA.
Thanks. And keep thinking “green” (i.e., saving the
environment by promoting paperless publishing)!!!

gggggggggggggggggreengggggggggggggggggggg

* * * * *

[By the way, I would truly and sincerely like to thank all
those who actually have snail-mailed a buck or two in care
of my P.O. Box. You know who you are, and I thank you with
all my heart. I appreciate your encouragement to keep this
“groove thing” going.]

* * * * *

——————————————————–

Too early said and late to revise only makes lawyers wealthy
and wise.

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Eleven Days Hence Whether Forecast:

It won’t.

(But watch that nuclear winter!)

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[“Middle Income Richard’s” will return
at some as yet unimaginable
future unspecified time]