Middle Income Richard’s Third Millennium Almanack, No. 10

MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD’S
Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
An e-zine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
———————————————
Number 10, April Fools’ Day, 2002
(or slightly thereafter)
In the 2nd year of the 21st century
© 2002 Rich Limacher
———————————————

Okay, so it* didn’t quite have the same impact as that
famous old Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” radio
broadcast; but, hey, it was the best I could do on short
notice.

———————————————

* That “it” was my previous e-mission:
“Poor Richard’s Almanack No. 10”
and, yes, it was real! (Well, most of it anyway.) Our
forefather Ben Franklin, under the pseudonym “Richard
Saunders” really did publish that particular little treatise
some 250 years ago. (Well, some of it anyway.) And only a
few things were changed to protect the guilty: most of that
particular “almanack” appeared in 1753; it was actually his
twentieth, not tenth; and you can bet that good ol’ Uncle
Ben never heard of any such thing as “spring break.” So,
like, “Happy April Fools” to you and all your fools, and
many happy returns of that day in 1752!

———————————————

Editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else to:
TheTroubadour@prodigy.net

——————————–
This e-zine is all about:
*our* future.
——————————–

Chair of Contents:

r
e
g
u
l
a
rare-wisdom-and-fluff Happy
f e April
e v e r y t h i n g – e l s e Fools!
a d feetures:
t b p on scrolli
u a e n
r c e o
e k k n
p s page numbers are no longer necessary
————————————————————
(because everything is all on one page)
————————————————————

Here’s something else that needs discovering:
Where the hell Laden bin.

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From The “We Told You So” Department:

This is *mammumental*! A doctor (of biochemistry) has
published an amazing observation. It has been discovered,
he believes, that there is a more-than-coincidental
correlation between breast cancer in women who wear bras
more often than those who don’t.

By all means, please check this out:

http://www.all-natural.com/bras.html

It seems (and this is fairly logical, no?) that women have
evolved pretty much breast-cancer-free for thousands of
years AND they have mostly gone without brassieres. As it
now turns out, such continuing unfettered breast movement is
theorized to be NECESSARY for the freely flowing lymphatic
system whose malfunctioning, caused by such tight
containment and restriction, seems now to be a cause of
cancer.

This *could* mean that all those hippies of the ’60s were
right-on after all. “Ban the bra” may not only have been
radical protest, but also sound advice.

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Take a guess who the very first Postmaster General of the
United States was.

None other than Benjamin Franklin himself.

His idea for stopping anthrax was simple: Deliver by
stagecoach. By the time it gets to its destination, all the
powder will have been shaken out of the envelope!

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

( Q_Q )

Taxes

by

C. C. Writers
© 2002

Lady: How much is this?

Clerk: This, you mean?

Lady: Yes.

Clerk: THIS?

Lady: Yes, this. Just this. Not this over here, or this
additional part. Just this right here.

Clerk: Let’s see. This over here would run you 38.50; but
with our Special Deterioration Allowance, it would bring you
down to 35-even. Now, with the additional School Levy and
Oil Spill Removal Insurance Tax, it would bring you back up
to 39.25. Add in your provincial, state, local, city,
county, municipal, village, and township taxes, and the
total goes way up over 52 dollars. And with your Cost
Avoidance Penalty for purchasing this item without that
additional part, your total would come to, let’s see… yes,
56.89. But now your cost for the additional part alone will
subject you to the Premature Assembly Penalty, plus the
Quantum Cost Avoidance Surcharge, in addition to the
Regional Cost Adjustment for our franchising differential as
well as the Cost-of-Living Escalator for inflation. So,
let’s see… that comes to 26.75 for this part alone. Of
course, if you buy them both together…

Lady: My goodness! Excuse me, sir, but just what are all
these charges? I’ve never heard of such things!

Clerk: You asked me how much, right?

Lady: But I never…

Clerk: Tell you what. Over here we have the same thing in
metric sizes. It’s on sale.

Lady: I hesitate to ask.

Clerk: It’ll base out at about 25.00, but with your
Business Use Energy Credit, Caucasian Depreciation
Allowance, and First-Time Buyer’s Factory Rebate, it’ll
bring you down to 24.59. But then you need to add back the
penalties for buying these parts separately, and then add
your leisure and luxury taxes, Husband-Motivator Surcharge,
and penalties for double-parking…

Lady: I am not double parked!

Clerk: I know. He is.

Lady: Who is?

Clerk: Your husband.

Lady: My husband?

Clerk: Sure is. Our radio-dispatched promotional bumper
sticker search team spotted his car an hour ago.

Lady: I beg to differ!

Clerk: That’ll cost you extra, ma’am.

Lady: But I am no longer married!

Clerk: That’ll be a savings.

Lady: That’s none of your business!

Clerk: Let’s see. With the Matrimonial Salvage Credit,
Night-Time Energy Savings, Decreased Bath Water Use
Allowance, Peace-of-Mind Benefit, and Tone-of-Voice
Reduction, your gross annual suburban life cost improvement
index should be right around 58 thousand. But then, you
need to add back all the sole head-of-household penalties,
surcharges, taxes, and added costs for home maintenance,
leaf raking, lawn mowing, car washing, snow shoveling, jar
and lid opening, furniture rearranging, luggage toting, and
grocery bag unpacking… let’s see… that’ll raise your
equalized assessed gross annualized regular per capita
expenditures to probably more than a hundred grand…

Lady: Just a minute, sir…

Clerk: …give or take.

Lady: Excuse me, sir.

Clerk: Yes?

Lady: In the first place, my personal life is of no
concern of yours.

Clerk: You asked how much everything is, didn’t you?

Lady: No, not everything. I specifically said, “Just
this.” Not everything else with it. “Just this” period.

Clerk: That’s cool.

Lady: Would you like me to tell you WHY I asked?

Clerk: Probably because of your upper middle class
compulsion for comparative shopping, continuing
cost-analysis needs, triplicate copy urges, or just plain
bargain hunting in general.

Lady: No.

Clerk: How ’bout your upwardly-mobile status climbing
impulse?

Lady: No.

Clerk: Food stamps avoidance syndrome?

Lady: No.

Clerk: Low-income housing repulsion factor?

Lady: No, no, no! Not at all. No sir. Actually, my name
is Jo-Ann Hyphen-Salvage, and I’m from the state revenue
department. We are conducting an investigation here for the
following specific reasons: There are no prices marked
in this establishment; the Better Business Bureau has
received complaints about your numerous unrelated and
totally arbitrary pricing practices; you have shown a marked
propensity toward provincial, state, local, city, county,
municipal, village, and township tax avoidance–as well as
an increasing reduction of your cash register tax key
ringing compulsion. In short, you owe the state about 98
thousand in unpaid taxes; in addition to your 58 thousand in
overdue payments of employee paycheck withholdings–give or
take a few grand–and your three years’ income tax return
filing avoidances with all the thereunto appertaining
penalties, surcharges, and accrued interest on your
disallowed exemptions, credits, and depreciation deductions.
You, sir, should have asked ME how much this costs! We
figure, adding each part individually: about
one-point-three-five million dollars!

Clerk: (pause) What if we include all the parts together?

Lady: Well, in that case, I might be able to qualify you
for a Quantum Surcharge Penalty Avoidance Reduction, or a
Gross Accounting Time Disappreciation Allowance, or a…

[FADE TO SILENCE]

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Richard’s First Law for Contractors:

“Have a contract.”

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Tomorrow’s Most Profitable Internet Site:

http://www.rewardsforjustice.net

Bounty hunters take note: The United States Department of
State will pay up to $25 million if, for example, you come
up with Osama bin Laden, or any such other “most wanted”
terrorists from around the world.

[Where is Steve McQueen when we really need him?]

The following is quoted from that very website:

——————————–

I’d like to receive
information on:
– select one –
How I can help?
U.S. Gov’t Agencies
Rewards for Justice

enter your e-mail address
Counter-Terrorism Rewards Program

U.S. OFFERS UP TO $25 MILLION FOR INFORMATION ABOUT
TERRORISTS The U.S. Department of State offers up to $25
million for information preventing, frustrating, or
favorable resolving acts of international terrorism against
United States persons or property, or leading to the arrest
or conviction of terrorist criminals responsible for such
acts, those aiding or abetting in the commission of such
acts, or those conspiring or attempting to commit such acts.

PUBLIC-PRIVATE PARTNERSHIP In 1990, the State Department
forged a unique public-private partnership with the Air
Transport Association of America and the Air Line Pilots
Association, International, in which each organization
pledged up to $1 million to supplement rewards paid by the
U.S. Government for information that prevents a terrorist
act against U.S. civil aviation, or leads to the arrest or
conviction of any person who has committed such an act. The
U.S. Government’s standing reward offer of up to $25 million
applies in all cases not addressed by the partnership
agreement.

We Can Give You 25 Million Reasons To Stop Terrorism.

For further information, contact:
Rewards for Justice
P.O. Box 96781
Washington, D.C. 20522-0303, USA
Internet: mail@dssrewards.net
Voice: 1-800-US-REWARDS

ALL IDENTITIES ARE KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

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Today’s Helpful Household Hint from “Auntie Cansir”:
Burn your bra.

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Yesterday’s Feedback:
——————————–

[start] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *

OK, M.I.R. (Middle Income Richard),

Just a quick note to let you know how much I enjoy your
ramblings and how I am constantly reminded that we have
strangely similar thought processes.

Follow the link below. I think you will find it to be of
interest to you as a runner, eco-minded citizen, and
aficionado of those strange little stories that pop up in
the media–you know you heard it; you aren’t sure where or
when. I have found that the Internet has saved my sanity
through the use of search engines to ferret out these blurbs
of info often delivered by smirking “anchor persons” after
the usual depressing body-count news of the day. You were
on the right track with the “soap powered car” (by the way,
liquid borax could hardly be considered a “harmless”
by-product; that stuff will tan leather!) but you must go
ONE STEP BEYOND! I GIVE YOU: GAS POWERED BOOTS!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_820000/820398.stm

[Editor’s note: you may have to copy-paste this into your
browser if simply clicking on it fails.]

Yours truly,
Chris (Rollo) Rollins
In Illinois
via e-mail

[Editor’s note: Gassed boots indeed! M.I. Richard did
in fact check this link and discover the origin of such
folly: newly capitalist Russia. Yes, some hungry professor
over there has supposedly invented two boots, each with a
gasoline engine, that for the well-balanced runner will
“achieve speeds of up to 40 km/h (25 mph).” His most
telling comment? “We aren’t standing still. We’re
improving the product.” To what? Reach freeway speeds?
Try to imagine little old ladies and men upright on footwear
racing 65 miles per hour. Whoa Nellie!!! Of course, it’s
engineering like this that keeps Russia backward. This
still doesn’t solve the dependency on foreign oil problem.
What Russian inventors *ought* to be working on are boots
powered by borax. Eh, Boris?]

——————————–

Richard,

Enjoyed reading your latest publication. Very
enlightening!!!!! Such wisdom
for a mere $1.00 per–in the future. I will certainly try
to pre-empt a future billing, though, by sending a few
greenbacks via s-n-a-i-l-m-a-i-l. Thank you.

I had read about Tennessee’s state parks closings in our
local “Gazette” and was outraged. I cannot imagine that
happening in my state. Such an easily remedied solution to
keeping the parks open for all to enjoy–why, it should
almost be a “birthright” for Tennesseeans (?) to enjoy that
beautiful wild nature. How very sad. I hate to think what
will happen if the developers DO get hold of it.

I have an annual pass for our Colorado state park system and
even the ever-increasing fees are well worth it. Money well
spent.

Keep up the good work. M.I.R. is a “most interesting guy.”

Happy Trails,
Margie Stauffer
In Colorado
via e-mail

[Editor’s note: Thanks Margie! You have no idea how very
encouraging your kind words are to the publisher of this
foolishly optimistic wide-eyed “paperless” publication. And
your thoughts on fees for passes are well received. See
previous issues of “Middle Income Richard’s” for the
continuing sad predicament of Tennessee’s “budget cuts” and
that government’s lamentable decision to close some 14 of
its state parks. We have written to a local state
representative there, in whose jurisdiction lies the
world-famous Frozen Head State Park
(see http://www.state.tn.us/environment/parks/frzhead)
and here below was his response.]

——————————–

House of Representatives
State of Tennessee
Nashville

February 1, 2002

Dear Mr. Limacher:

Thank you for your recent letter concerning the closing of
Frozen Head and other State Parks. I appreciate you taking
the time to contact me about this important issue.

Your arguments are well stated and valid, and I am in total
agreement with you. Governor Sundquist’s closing of state
parks was a most unfortunate policy decision. However, I
and other members of the Tennessee General Assembly are
working to reopen the parks.

Again, thank you for your letter. Please feel free to
contact me any time that you wish.

Respectfully,

John Mark Windle
State Representative
Fentress, Morgan
And Overton Counties
201 War Memorial Building
Nashville, TN 37243-0141
(615) 741-1260
rep.john.windle@legislature.state.tn.us

——————————–

[Editor’s final late-breaking note: The following
observations on Easter were publicly disseminated by an
Illinois colleague, Candace Herrick. “Spam”? Probably.
But it’s kind of funny spam nevertheless. Think of it as
your treat for the Vernal Equinox.]

* * * * *

Three blondes died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they
can answer one simple question. He asks the first blonde,
“What is Easter?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are
thankful.”

“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second
blonde the same question. “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and
celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in
disbelief, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his
glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in
the eyes and says, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter doubtfully.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples
were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The
Romans took him to be crucified and he
was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and
was hanged on a cross with nails through his hands. He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly in delight.

She continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so
that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter.”

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

[end] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *

( O_O )

Vertical Cartoon:

“World’s Nth Tallest Building Stairclimb Race”

This is gonna be tough.
o
o

O
_/ |95| \_ __|
/_ __|
/ \_ __|
/_ __|

I can’t believe how many stairs there are!
o
o
O
_ / |95| \_ __|
/_ __|
/ \__|
/__|
__|

Five hundred sixty-one, five hundred sixty-two…

o
o

O
_ / |95| \ _
|__ _\
|__/ \
|__ \
|__
|

I can’t BELIEVE all the security in this place!

o
o

O
_ / |95| \ _
|__ _\
|__/ \
|__ \
|__
|

One thousand two hundred and forty-three,
One thousand two hundred and forty-four…

o
o

O
_ / |95| \_ __|
/_ __|
/ \_ __|
/_ ___|

Well, at least the building is still standing.

o
o

O
_ / |95| \_ __|
/_ __|
/ \_ __|
/_ __|

________________________________
| TOP FLOOR CLOSED |
| To Anyone With Sharp Objects. |
| If You Are Wearing Safety Pins, |
| You Must Return to Ground Floor |
| Security to Have Them Checked. |
|______________________________|

____________
|__ ‘ ‘
|__ \__ `O __/
|__ |95|
|__ _\
|__/ \
|__ \
|__
|

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

[start] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * * *

Be sure to check out Running Delights at

http://www.ontherun.com/rundlts.htm

…for all (or most) of your running/walking/sporting
personal and/or gift-giving needs. They sell, for example,
an absolutely wonderful T-shirt type of thing called a
“Trail Shirt.” You can’t soak it with your perspiration
because it wicks it all away from you and into the
atmosphere even while you exercise. Oh yes, and Misty
Delights and Larry the Legend are great folks to
do business with. (And I owe them a favor, or will shortly
come this July.) So, you know, buy somethin’! And tell ’em
“The Troubadour” sent ya.)

——————————–

Here’s one more friendly professional promotion:

If it’s custom furniture you’d like in your home or
workplace, you couldn’t do better than asking ERDMAN
WOODWORKING of Silverton, Colorado, to build it exactly to
your specifications. Write to Eric at

cerdman@frontier.net

(Oh, and I owe the Erdmans a favor too!)
.

[end] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * * *

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[start] * * * * * * Paid Advertisement * * * * * * *

*************************************************
Hurry! This happens THIS month!!

*************************************************

And now for all you racing enthusiasts
[non-motorized, that is, and non-wheeled neither]
here is something completely different
[or, at least not well known in *this* particular
e-publication]. It’s the…

2nd Annual
GREATER TORONTO ULTRA RACE
50 Kilometers and 100 Kilometers
—————————————————-
8:00 a.m., April 20, 2002
A Saturday in sunny and balmy Toronto,
Ontario, Canada, North America,
Western Hemisphere, Earth.
.
This course is very, very fast
[remember: this is a footrace, so speed here is
relative; that is, related to your own feet and how fast
you can move them] and ORA Class C certified.
[Not “certifiable,” just *certified.* OK?]
Cutoff suggested at 14 hours for BOTH races
[no, this doesn’t mean the severing of bodyparts;
it means you gotta be done running before
the clock strikes “14” else you turn into a pumpkin]
…but nobody gets pulled no matter what.
[Not even if the Wicked Witch turns them into taffy.]

The course is 5 kilometers out and then back along
a little-used asphalt bike path following the beautiful
Humber River with 4 small bridge crossings. Repeat
5 or 10 times as required. [No, not crossing the bridge.
Running the 5 kilometers!] Also, there are NO road
crossings.

The Entry Fee is unbelievably cheap for Americans
due to the economic policy of our Canadian
Government [which allows as to how all Americans
enter cheap].

🙂

Oh, this also happens to be the very first
Ontario Ultra Series event of the year.
[The second one hasn’t bothered to advertise in this e-rag.]
[But maybe someday, eh?]

Contact race director John A. Remington
for any information that hasn’t already been made
crystal clear herewith. Send John an e-mail at
johnremington@hotmail.com. You can also
log onto http://ous.kw.net for more race and Ontario Ultra
Series info. [Mention where you saw this ad and receive…
well, maybe just the sweet satisfaction that naturally
fulfills following the hacking out of e-mail
without too many mistakes.]

[end] * * * * * * Paid Advertisements * * * * * * *

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

( Q_Q )

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Help Wanted: Desperately seeking someone, anyone, who
speaks Arabic and/or Farsi or Dari. No Aston Martin
w/ejection seat required or necessary. Will train.
Turbans, deep cover, Palm Pilots with language dictionary
software provided. Apply in person. Do NOT mail anything.
Central Intelligence Agency Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

[This non-paid advertisement provided as an intelligence
community service. Middle Income Richard intends to
continue providing this service from now on, or until
intelligence is detected in the community.]

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Everyday’s Repetitious Media Message:

* * * * *

[By the way, I would truly and sincerely like to thank all
those who actually have snail-mailed a buck or two in care
of my P.O. Box. You know who you are, and I thank you with
all my heart. I appreciate your encouragement to keep this
thing going.]

* * * * *

It’s no secret that one of our most memorable ancestors, Ben
Franklin, got his first real “break” in the media by giving
up trying to pander to the tastes of the more traditional
publishers of his time–and just inventing that “break” on
his own. He published a simple one-page periodical called
“Poor Richard’s Almanack” and sold it along the streets and
rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived
as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some
two-hundred and sixty-nine years later, you get “Middle
Income Richard’s 3rd Millennium Almanack” selling along the
buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy.

At least, that’s the plan.

For the moment, of course, this is free. That is, unless
you suddenly develop pangs of conscience, and for that you
might find immediate relief by snail-mailing a Yankee
greenback to Ben’s most dubious distant cousin: C. C.
Writers at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, Illinois 60443 USA.
Thanks. And keep thinking “green” (i.e., saving the
environment by promoting paperless publishing)!!!

gggggggggggggggggreengggggggggggggggggggg

Late to bed and late to rise usually means you’re in a
hotel.

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Tomorrow’s “Fore” cast:

Cast your nose up into the southern breeze, scan the
horizon, swing your driver, and yell, “Fore!”

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

[“Middle Income Richard’s” will return
at some as yet unimaginable
future unspecified time]