What Ever Happened To […] #1031

[Happy–or at least less miserable–New Year, Everyone! It’s been awhile since we’ve rolled down our sleeves and written anything for the Internet. (Or is it World Wide Web, and, if so, what’s the difference? That’s something I never could figure out. It was supposedly invented by Al Gore? But I haven’t been able to figure him out either.) Nevertheless, 2014 brings new resolve to *not* be the reason why cybertronics completely disappear. Neither do we wish to see the World Wide Web get canceled–like those 97 TV programs in 2013 that, as we’ve just learned via the Internet, got axed. So, in this titanic effort to continue, we’re now going to observe a few new rules and make a few changes.

Very simply, the new rules are *no rules* and the latest change is *not* to blame U.S. Presidents or their “Administractions” for things we miss that relate to running, ultrarunning, or sports in general. Instead, for the foreseeable future, we’re going to follow the more-or-less “model” of the typical Sunday sermon. (Won’t this be fun.) In other words, we’ll begin with a “Text” and rap on from there. As follows :]

Deerly Be-Gloved, [it’s winter; some of us “Like” deerskin gloves] for today’s rant we shall take our text from the good book of Face:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/yiannis-kouros/notes-and-experiances-from-the-6-day-race/10152124732319210

And we ask:

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO [being a good loser] ?

Can I get an “Ah, Men!” here, my brethren and cistern? Why in the name of cheeses can’t we seemingly count on the risen crust to feed our hungry, our tired, our soldiering-on foot-soldiers upon finishing the good fight and crossing the line for glory hallelujah? They win the race and yet… they are starved? For glory?

No, my fiends, they come in second place and they feel persecuted. Martyred! They feel starved… for attention! They get *no* glory! And they feel *so* compelled to explain themselves according to the good book of Face! This is how they SAVE Face!!

We’re talking salivation here, my druthers and schleppers. Here we have one who we *thought* was THE single greatest gods’ gift to the planet… but suddenly now he’s feeling “picked on”? Slighted? Abused? His baggage was lost by the airline? Oh my dearest gods of olympia! This is terrible!!!

Surely this is the devil’s doing. How can one who stands, and runs–for the ages, if not just for six days–so close to Zeus himself, be brought so low as to take second place? He is otherwise the champion of all champions! My Gag! He runs with the winged shoes of Hermes! He is the fastest mortal since Pheidippides! His status–and statue–on Mount Olympus is the only one not yet in ruins! And despite all this (and in Arid-zonna, no less) we have just witnessed some comely young one-among-all-comers named Joe utterly CRUSH His Nibs throughout a six-day footrace!

Now this Joe has the new American record! In 144 continuous hours, yon radical upstart Joseph hath logged 555.361 miles!
[See http://www.aravaiparunning.com/results/2013ATYResults6d.htm.]

Meanwhile, our god-come-down-off-the-mountain, or pedestal, could somehow muster only a paltry 550.157? [See him here: http://www.aravaiparunning.com/acrosstheyears/2013/12/18/the-return-of-the-6-day/. Note that when this page appears, you’ll need to click on “The Return of the 6 Day.”]

O my heaving! O our upchucks! (And upsets.) How can this be???

Surely, as I repeat (endlessly, as do all goodly men of the cloth–or the fleece or the running shorts, or longs) this must certainly be the diabolical work of boll weevil himself. The god of the nether regions. Hades, for example.

Hades and all the rivers of forgetfulness have heaved themselves up, and doubtless caused this horrible upheaval. Just looketh at what our good god hath spake (or caused another to speaketh for him):

“On the last couple of weeks of his preparation Yiannis Kouros got a flu during a training in Athens Olympic Complex due to a very cold wind of that day.” [FB 666:2]

A “WIND” doth make him SICK! Oy, ye!!!

And now, so come all ye faithful, we read even more:

“Seen the track, the night before the race Yiannis was very disappointed as he realized it was bumpy, with lots of small rocks, dust and humidity all around the course -especially near the resting tents where was full of grass. That meant there is no any opportunity to achieve any high performance as he was planning to try to achieve.” [FB 666:6-7]

He “seen” the track! It was bumpy! There were small rocks in abundance!! Load have mercy! And there was dust and HUMIDITY!!!

“Then,” as he writeth, “the period of the year with so much cold and humidity during the night and the heat from the other hand during the day time (that forced him to ask for ice to put on his head, in order to avoid sun-stroke) was not ideal, but not promising at all to survive from new flu and other illness created by such weather extremities.” [FB 666:10]

He may not have survived! O horros! O Kouros!! All this “new flu” and everything else MIGHT VERY WELL HAVE KILLED HIM!!!

And “the negative issues did not stop hear.” [FB 666:11]

Hear hear!! Here here!! There there!!!

“Despite all these odds Yiannis was focused to complete the race with maximum possible mileage in under such bad conditions for him.” [FB 666:19]

Our intrepid goodly god continueth on, despite all these pomps of satin and all his works.

Yet further, most disturbingly he states: “However, on top of that he had to face something that disappointed him a lot. He never expected that the American runner will show such an antisportive behavior with antiathletic spirit, so that he was feeling pleased to see Yiannis suffering. Yiannis told him straight and directly all that he psych-out from his reaction: He told him that it seems he didn’t had a goal to achieve in miles/klms etc. His only goal was to take advantage of Yiannis’ situation to be sick, his lack of sleep and his lack of his running gear-as his bag never came.” [FB 666:20-23]

So this American runner was taking PLEASURE at our god’s SUFFERING! No? YES!! I tell you troubly that, surely that, this utterly violates at least thee eleventh commandment as thrown down by Moze: “Thou shalt NOT over-strategize during thy footrace and psych-out thine opponent.” Thou just mustn’t!! It isn’t cricket!!!

Warily warily we readeth the continuing saga of great gosh a’mighty:

“It was obvious that he was happy to see Yiannis suffering and therefore he was gaining energy from that feeling with antisportive inspiration, considering Yiannis as his enemy and with only whom he had to fight-” [FB 666:26]

Did we not tell you this, my peeps? Haven’t we been shouting from the pulpit all these past many minutes that–yea, woe yea, our god was battling with “his enemy”! Fighting mightily! With satin!! This demonic demagogue young upstart named Joe!!!????

So it was NOT, my peeps, our godly god’s fault! It wasn’t because our god was beaten in a footrace fair and square! Oh NO!!! It was because of the devil! This American devil!! This droll weevil who was purposefully put into this footrace only to TORMENT our god! To TEMPT him into the tent–the windy tent, the dust-strewn and foldy moldy disease-ridden bumpy tent. That frumpy tent. Yea, that very place whereat dirt clods and other imperfections from hell hath conspired to defeat him! And to suffer–OH MY GOD–the utter indignities of inglorious second place!!!

Oh hear me out, ye cinders burning for the heaving lee truth. Hear me! Here! We got trouble, right here in River City! That’s trouble with a capital “T” and it rhymes with “P” and it goes with “L” and it *all* stands for POOR LOSER!!!

( O_O )

Yours troubly,

The Troubadour
“your fiendishly fiery one-sighed blow-horned flying purple steeple preacher… for at least the last eight hundred years”

Yankee Folly of the Day:
No, we no longer provide the answer to “whatever happened to” type questions. You studied. You’re old enough. You figure it out.