What Ever Happened To […] #1021

 

[“Blade Gunner”? So, eh? Whatever happened to Oscar Pistorius? Got Pist once too often? Or
‘e yuss… forgot who he was living with? What the roommate smelled like even? What??? He “thinks” he’s being invaded by some UNKNOWN INTRUDER at o’dark-thirty in the mourning WHO LETS HERSELF IN WITH A KEY??? He then EMPTIES his revolver into said “unknown” housebreaker-with-scent? C’mon. She’s a model! OK, no. Let’s not get into that “whole O.J. Simpson-looks-a-lot-like” thing. Let’s move on by, um, trying to remember what-the-heck happened to something totally else. Like, this?]

The Obama Administraction Presents…

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO [What Ever Happened To] ?

It’s been a long time, no? For THIS whack to be crowbarring its way into your Inbox? Y’all haven’t seen the likes of this goofy diatribe since, what, before Christmas? Since, like, The End of The World ended???

What a buncha malarky. First the damn Mayans, and now this: Pist! (And we’re reminded here of an old article that appeared in “Outside” magazine, describing the Hardrock Hundred. Its headline? “It’s Gonna Suck To Be You.” Kinda like today, eh? For that certain once-thought-exemplary-despite-the-handicap track athlete from South Africa? How ’bout: “It Already Sucks To Be Pist.”) So, when are we ever gonna get our heroes back?

Lance? What EVER happened to HIS whack?

And now oceangoing cruises? What the heck happened to them, too? Balanced Budgets? National Debt Reduction? States of the Union? Hell, the Union!!!

How about Illinois’ former governors? Can’t even hardly KEEP them in prison no more. How ’bout former California policemen? The Force was no longer with them? They turned? Murdered people? Just like, allegedly, peeps-you-look-up-to do in South Africa?

Next up in Illinois (yours troubly’s ecologically disastrous Foam Suite Foam and erstwhile “Land of Lincoln”—who’s now, by the way, rolling, spinning even, TWIRLING in his grave!) is going to be the imprisonment of one Jesse Jackson, Jr., the erstwhile Congressman. Representative government in THIS crap-shoot (gambling is legal, sometimes) State? Are we kidding? What ever happened to THAT idea?

No governors, while the current ones get impeached; no congressmen, while current ones pretend mental illness (hoping to throw off federal prosecutors); no recovery from the brink of bankruptcy, while those dufuses all dawdle in the statehouse; no even reverend dad of said congressman, while he plays with mistresses and fathers *other* “love childs”; and now: no Pope! Eh? What the frick ever happened to the papacy? The “heat” gets too hot from weirdo priestfolk taking after Jerry Hoozits Sandusky, so now Hizzoner, His Alibi-Holeyness, quits the game???

WHAT in the world ever happened to SANITY?

Since THIS thingamajig that you’re reading right now has been absent, the entire damn planet has gone psycho??

So what DID ever happen to this very series of treatises? Of arcane dogma? Dissertational dubiousness? Exegetical poppycockery??? Well, for starters, it got lost under the “circle of life” gimcrackery. The author’s pop died and left his butt with a TITANIC MESS. And the gimcrack was provided by hizzoner the attorney who ostensibly set said parents up with some sacrosanct probate-avoidance gimmick called a “Loving Trust.” Right. Now the recipients of said trust need to go back to said attorney and hire HIS ass to set them up with whatever is necessary to satisfy Probate Court! Hah! Who knew?

Wellllllll, I’ll tell you “who knew”: The lawyer knew! That’s who. And that’s why this so-called sometimes-regular “bad joke Friday” column has been held on hold. Today, really, is the first day out of the past two months that THIS author has gotten—no, not an asthma inhaler—a breather.

We see we have lots and lots of catching up to do. Bankrupt states. Bankrupt United States. Killers out of control (even well outside these States). Gangland violence… of which most of THAT is currently being waged in (pick one) the Chicago City Council, the Illinois Legislature, the Houses of Congress, or the National Rifle Association.

“Blade Gunner” indeed. And don’t y’all just find it deliciously *just* that Hizdufus O.J. is now (still, we hope) imprisoned somewhere in Nevada for robbing some other dufus at gunpoint in whatever sleazebag Las Vegas hotel room?

And NOW Lance Q. Legstrong (for Questionable) wants back into athletic competition? Right. So, here’s yours troubly’s suggestion for Lance and Hertz: Go into business renting bicycles. TV ads could then show Lance embodying the highest ideals of all that’s ideal, just like O.J., like this: Armed to the teeth with rifles and Pist-ols and orange juice, Lance could shoot himself off the airplane and marathon down the concourse and leap onto the “Orange Club” Schwinn of his choice, then bicycle the Tour de Illy-Noise faster than Abe (or Obama or Ryan or Blago or even Jesse Junior) ever did; then pedal right off Navy Pier, spinning his way through the Great Lakes out to the Atlantic via the St. Lawrence Seaway and then right over to Italy… just in time to be crowned new pontiff: Pope Dope the First.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,

The Troubadour
“your mid-evil lute-plucking funeral-attending attorney-consulting-just-for-THEIR-song-and-dance man for easily the last 800 years”

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Just imagine four thousand Neanderthals adrift at sea inside some unpowered hull for nearly a week. The food’s spoiled, the water’s rank, and the toilets don’t flush. Man in the cave with the biggest club wins, right? Yes, and civilization itself (judging only by Chicago, Illinois) is about to come full circle.