What Ever Happened To […] #1014

 

[Oh my heavings! Just LOOKIT what’s goin’ down deze daze. Our listservs totally have been *Alive with the Sound of Musings*. Or rather, of dismay… and argument and integument (sports heroes “covering up”) and all kinds of other bewailments and gnashings of teeth over all sorts of unseemly sportspeeps. I don’t want to have to replay or republish all kinds of Internet sites that contain all these horrors (but I will for those who ask via private email off-line) but suffice it to summarize that these are just a few of those aforementioned horrors: Lance Armstrong’s been stripped of ALL his TdF victories, and more; some dufus named Kip Something—a rank amateur, for heavings’ sake!—has been DQ’d and found cheating at a whole bunch of marathons; a few South African Olympians have been accused of doping; Facebook’s been ablaze with sordid posts and other messages concerning the REAL women’s record-holder for a full Triple Badwater Crossing versus a PRETEND one and all of THAT titanically poor sportsmanship; and even lately we learn that the CHARITY organization that Dean Karnazes (“Dean Dean the Media Machine”) has been raising tons of money for, uh, hasn’t exactly doled out much of that money to the charity. These things are all shameful, IMHO, and, well, just naturally lend themselves to another “Bad Joke Friday.” So kip reedin’… ;]

The Obama Administraction Presents…

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO [hey, Integrity] ?

No, not *theirs*, YOURS!!! Don’t you even see what real *heroes* all these sportsmen-and-women really are? And still continue to be? They get stripped of their medals and YOU are totally lacking in mettle enough to keep believing?

What? Was Faith built in a day? Never mind Rome, this is Faith! You’ve invested your heart and soul into hero-worship. So a few black marks get sullied against achievements, and YOU sullenly wish to abandon all further worship?

C’mon. Where’s your fortitude? Your perseverance? Your INTEGRITY???

Lookit baseball! Roger Clemens was acquitted! Barry Bonds is even STILL “the home-run king.” Have you lost your faith in the Cubs? The Cubs WON it all (in 1908). Surely your heartfelt belief can stand another century, right?

Professional cycling. Gosh, who knew? You mean you STILL can’t get past the apparent allegations that most of the front of the pack is hopped-up on jury-rigged blood cells? This is commonplace! EVERYBODY’s doing it! Get with the program, will ya? Who are these idiots that always wanna *test* and *retest* and store the blood vials well into the future where brand-new *tests* can be used that haven’t even been invented yet? Hey, enough is enough! Lance Armstrong has already PASSED every test!!!

What are you missing here? What part of “stepping to the head of the class” can’t you understand? In high school, for upchuck’s sake, THE kid that scores the best on all the tests becomes valedictorian! Why can’t you let Lance even be *on* the commencement program? He—not some dweefus with the potbelly and coke-bottle-bottom eyeglasses—should be giving the keynote speech! Just like Obama! Just like Romney! (Wait, did I miss it? Aren’t there also big national conventions for, like, the Green Party? Socialist Workers? Libertarians? Is Ross Perot still alive??)

We LOVE these peeps! So why don’t you? Kip Hoozissface? C’mon. Who’d want to cheat in a marathon at which there’s no prize-money? Who would actually (yes, this was found to be true–or, “alleged”) go to all the trouble of actually creating an entire marathon Out West somewhere, complete with R.D. and website and names and finishing times for all 30 finishers, so that he could have himself shown as champion? C’mon. Hoozissface WON the thing? Welllllll, yes! It says so! Right on the Internet!!!

And don’t we all know that things just don’t go on the Internet unless they’re true. Of course. Why certainly. And the “Karno Kids” financial statements must be true, too, ‘cuz they’re on the Internet. No, wait….

Badwater. Just imagine the sheer buffoonery of “pretending” to have a World Record that’s significantly short of the World Record. Why, that’s crazy stuff! Who in the world would set out to NOT exceed the total distance, or whatever, AFTER that total distance—and the record—had already been established! Eh? What are you *not* comprehending here? Everybody just KNOWS you sign up for a 10-mile race only planning to run 9 miles, right? And then the World Record WILL just naturally be for 9 miles!!!

Everybody with any sense knows this. So, whutza matta U? You don’t appreciate how some (or all) of the greatest business (for example) achievements throughout recent history have been accomplished? Huh? The guy with the violin case comes into your shop, and you DON’T give him “protection money”? What? Isn’t that insurance? And aren’t just about all the tallest buildings in every city in America today owned by insurance companies? This is success, people!

Why can’t you just simply accept it?

This is THEIR integrity! What’s happened to YOURS???

I’ll tell you what’s happened to *your* integrity. It got gritty. Greedy maybe. You secretly want Lance’s bike-riding trophies for yourself! Admit it! And you’d like all Dean’s painfully earned contributions to be deposited in *your* bank account. *You* want the 9-mile world’s record. *You* wish that YOU knew the guy who could inject your ass with all the best juice that no test can detect. Heck, you’d like to be standing in line asking for Clemens’ and Bonds’ and even McGuire’s autographs as their attorneys hustle them out of the courtroom. Lookit Drew Peterson, for REAL upchuck’s sake! THEY DID NOT PROVE HIM GUILTY! Just ask his attorneys!!

After all, this is America, hey. Here we’re all Integral until proven otherwise.

Myself? I like “factions.”

( O_O )

Yours troubly,

The Troubadour
“your friendly mid-evil lute-and-other plucking comrade from the Dark Ages who still hurts from not being chosen as his graduating class’s valedictorian—the, uh, Class of 1168 A.D.”

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Do the “arithmetic”? Well, let’s see, if I’m *pretending* as well to be 800 years old, I would’ve had to have been born in the year 1212, or some 44 years AFTER I’d already graduated from high school. Hey, no problem! Isn’t this a math similar to how the United States’ National Debt is planned to be paid? All those born around half-a-century AFTER this year’s class will just write a check! Easy!!