What Ever Happened To […] #1008

 

[And now for something completely different :]

The Warren G. Harding Administraction Presents…

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO [Wheaties] ?

Yes, and for that matter, what ever happened to WHEAT?

“The Breakfast of Champions” is very likely on the brink of extinction; just like normal wheat, healthy wheat, wheat grown in non-genetically-mutated fields by as-yet un-brainwashed seed-planting farmers.

[You think we’re kidding? Check out: http://www.cnbc.com/id/46809807//
and
http://www.amazon.com/Wheat-Belly-Lose-Weight-Health/dp/1609611543/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334942035&sr=1-1.]

And as “for amber waves of grain…” what EVER happened to THOSE?

The last real “champion” to appear on a Wheaties’ box might have been Muhammad Ali, or Bruce Jenner–and what in the hell ever happened to HIM? He’s now a Kardashian? Bruce Kardashian?? Puh-leeeeease.

We’re told that a new-kinda sport’s champion (in the, what, “halfpipe”?) way back in 2002 actually REFUSED Wheaties’ offer to appear on their box. “I don’t think I’ve ever eaten Wheaties in my whole life,” the kid said. “If I was on something like that, I’d probably want it to be like Count Chocula or something cool.”

Which now begs the question: Did even Muhammad Ali, Mary Lou Retton, or Tiger Woods actually ever suck down a spoonful of Wheaties? Did Bruce Jenner? We think Bruce’s main staple in recent years has been “Love Potion Number Nine.”

If they ate today’s Wheaties, made with today’s wheat, they very likely wouldn’t–and couldn’t–EVER have been champions. They’d most likely be unstoppably obese, unwittingly cancer-prone, and sick quite a bit of the time–with all sorts of digestive, “gluten,” and colonic issues. Why have “they” (meaning Big Pharma) come up with so many medicines (and “cleanses” and “colonics”) today that our grandparents never heard of? Because grandma and grandpa ate genetically UN-mutated wheat.

And, by the way, what ever happened to grandparents? They’re now raising all their kids’ kids and feeding them Count Chocula “or something cool.” When I was a boy, I loved my grandparents for feeding me Sugar Pops–because of the really cool toys you could send for. Grandparents, I discovered, are about the only ones who will order toys for you through the mail. Today, of course, they do it online. Or, kids can just “borrow” grandpa’s credit card and order the junk themselves.

National Obesity Epidemic? Sure! It can’t be helped! Because EVERYBODY’s eating mutated crops! Insect (and human?) proof? Stuff just “Chocula”-stuffed full of stuff manufactured in gigantic chemical plants rather than yielded from God’s green plants in fields free of chemical engineering. Whatever happened to farming anyway?

Farming now gets its seeds from chemistry, not from growing plants that can no longer grow on their own, and from gigantic multi-billion-dollar agribusiness “plants” that make farmers all sign up for *their* seeds exclusively. And, what’s worse, these agri-outfits have SPIES that snoop around farmers’ crops, so that, if you haven’t signed their deal and they do find their seeds (carried in by wind, dropped by birds, whatever) in your fields, they SUE YOU.

What ever happened to just being nice?

So we should all, by now, be X-Men: freakish (fat?) mutants but without any super-powers. And that, of course, now presents itself as a way to save Wheaties. Put Wolverine on the box! Or, better yet, that blue character that Rebecca Romjin played in the movie totally in the buff–but bodypainted, of course, all blue.

THAT oughta sell a whole lotta Wheaties’ boxes! Never mind the junk inside, of course. I’d suggest swapping the contents out for “something cool” like, maybe for Kix, Cocoa Pebbles or Lucky Charms.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,

The Troubadour
“waiting for over 800 years to see a famous ultrarunner on a Wheaties’ box”

Yankee Folly of the Day:
Once the bugs all “adapt,” the mega-ginormous agribusiness chemists get working on brand-new insecticides and other “cides” which, if those old “Twilight Zone” and “Outer Limits” episodes have told us anything about our future, will result in 40-foot beetles or the eggplant that ate Chicago.