Real Men/Women of Genius #80

[And folks thought that RWOG #78 was far-fetched. Hah! Lately the Ultra listserv has been all abuzz with totally-serious posts that actually pertain to the same dang thing! :-]

Bud Light presents…

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

{Re-al men of geeeeeene-yuss}

Today we salute you, Mr. You-Don’t-Need-No-Stinking-Metronome Because You’re An iPhone Special Apps User.

{Mis-ter innnnn-stead of tick-tick-tick, yooooou’re now lis-ten-ning to thump-thump-thump!}

So, you think your footspeed is directly proportional to Beats Per Minute and, rather than sappily tuck an electronic metronome underneath your stocking cap, you’ve selected a new electronic Application for your iPhone and tucked *that* into the sleeve pocket of your winter parka. Now you can count off 180 BPM whilst zoning out on Barbara Streisand.

{“For the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we werrrrrrre!”}

This latest techno e-gee of Steve Jobs’ brilliance is just simply incredible. Not only are all your beats fully adjustable, but you can also program playback speed changes into your already favemost musical compositions. So now you can re-mix Mozart’s “Requiem” in 16/16ths time, or slow down the Stray Cats’ Rockabilly to match your very own grindingly-haltingly striding slog.

{Mayyyyyyyyyyy-be you should stick with Jusssss-tin Bieeeeeeee-ber tunes?}

A “Music Tempo iPhone App” is it? Is that what it’s called? And it’s downloadable via Hoozits-dot-com? Usable and re-programmable even for older iPods, MP3 players, and Sony Walkmans? What about Boom Boxes? During the truly “olden days,” about the only way track stars taught themselves how to run faster was to carry large ugly stereo systems that played back Quincy Jones tunes at 8,000 decibels while running for the bus.

{Weeeeeeee also uuuuuused to run wind-sprints in tot-tallllllll si-lence!}

Puh-leeeeeease. So what you most wanna do now, Mr. Techno-Wiz of the Muzak Biz, is increase the tempo of “You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings” to the amazing pace of 60 BPMs, and then get your new iPhone App to triple it. Not only will your footspeed increase, but your nighttime dreams will improve, too. You’ll be listening in your sleep to “The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy” while beating your wife’s butt with your feet at 540 thumps-per-minute, which, of course, will later evolve into more mail in your mailbox: Summons to appear in Divorce Court.

{Does yourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr S.O. knowwwwwww YOUR plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-list?}

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light–O Needer of Earphones, The Latest Digital Devices, and Shirt Sleeves with Pockets in Them–when you wake up tomorrow morning; because actually you’re missing something, something even more convenient for your musically metronomic footsteps’ use: podcasts–since now you can forego those expensive Apple Apps, and download your up-tempo Coldplay for free!

{Mis-ter Youuuuuuu-Don’t-Need-No-Steeeeeng-keeeeeng-Met-tro-nooooome Bee-cuzzz You’re An i-Phone Spe-cial Apps Uuuuuuuse-er!}

Bud Light beer: we don’t care where they brew it; we just dig their commercials.

( O_O )

Yours troubly,
The Troubadour

Yankee Folly of the Day:
I like to listen to the 8,000 decibels of the city’s snowplow as it creeps up behind me, impales me blade-wise, and then spits me off in the ditch with the rest of these stupid drifts.